How to be a Mr Nice Guy
by James Ray Edwards
Summary: [AU]In the dead of night, as Konoha burns ablaze from the costly victory over the Kyuubi, deals are struck and Naruto's fate is changed forever. Still, how bad can it be to have Urahara Kisuke for a father figure? [NarutoBleach NaruxFem? Others FemHaku!]
1. Chapter 1

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, BLEACH is a creation of Kubo Tite, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk. Multiple pairings inside folks, with UraharaxYoruichi (maybe a Soi FongxUraharaxYoruichi three way?) to name one, but I ain't gonna give away who will be the gal who gets Naruto's heart just yet! w00t, for Fem-Haku! You never know what you're going to get so read on (I might even do some alternative stuff, if you know what I mean).

* * *

How to be a Mr. Nice Guy

_Ore no_ _Nindo_ / My Way of the Ninja is...

Chapter 01:

How It Started

A Naruto-BLEACH fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

The battle was over, the day won, and yet, it had come at a terrible price. The Yondaime, the fourth Hokage of the Hidden Village of Konoha was dead. Just like the saying he always liked to say that being Hokage meant that he had promised his life to the village, and just like that, he had given the ultimate sacrifice, the ultimate expression of love for his people by giving up his own life. The Kyuubi, the dreaded Nine-Tailed Fox demon had been sealed in the belly of a child, an apparent orphan with no family to speak of, and for the rest of his natural days, he would carry the demon with him.

With any luck, this hairless boy who had not even a name or a stitch of clothing to him yet would ensure that not a soul would ever be harmed by the Kyuubi again.

"But you gotta wonder, was it worth it, Sarutobi-san?" chuckled the "younger" man beside him in an amiable baritone, just the right mix of melancholy and mischief. Truly, he was worthy of the moniker of "The Wise Fool." He sure acted like a fool, an absolute child in a grown man's body with his antics, but this man with his pale straw blonde hair and near permanent five o'clock shadow was anything except a fool. "And better yet, how much more do we still have to pay?"

Sarutobi never expected he would outlive his own prized pupil, his successor to the responsibility of Hokage, but reality did not always follow his expectations. It was because of this very incongruity they he now stood at the Hokage Monument's overlook giving him an expansive comprehensive view of the price that had been extracted from the living. His beautiful village, his city, his home was burning to the ground, dust to dust and ashes to ashes.

Teams of his best _nin_ were scurrying from blaze to blaze trying to get the firestorm under control, and by his calculations, it would be another three hours at least before they would gain any ground on the fire. A majority of the Hidden Village of Konoha would have to be rebuilt from scratch, a massive post-war reconstruction effort that would take years to complete and cost astronomical sums of capital from the village's coffers. The Yondaime was dead, and there was no choice but to reinstate an old man such as himself as the Sandaime once again.

Truly, it was the miserable end of an equally miserable day, and that was why presently he was in the company of one child, one wise fool, and one black feline. Of course, the cat was out cold in the lap of the wise fool. The child in his arms, wrapped in a white makeshift blanket made from a torn of curtain, was sleeping peaceably well enough with three sets of black "whisker" marks etched into his cheeks.

The wise fool was splashed with blood from head to toe, stripped from the waist up with only a set of stained black _hakama_, _tabi_ socks, and straw sandals for modesty. Amazingly, there was not a single scratch on him, and somehow, he had kept his hands from being soiled as well. He stroked the equally blood stained fur of the unconscious black cat gently with a kind of idle joy, as if he were seeking solace in this simple repetition. Laying beside him, propped against the wooden bench he sat upon was a nondescript wooden cane.

The four of them made a very strange quartet indeed.

"So what happens now, Urahara Kisuke-dono?" Sandaime spoke up first, doing absolutely nothing to hide the catching anxiety in his voice. He was honestly getting much too old for this sort of ugly business, and quite frankly, he felt he deserved a break after such a long, hard day.

The wise fool laughed, echoing much of his own insecurities amiably. "That's a good question, Sarutobi-san."

"Oh?"

"Truth is, even I don't have a definite clue of what to do next. In the end, we were too little, too late. The village is burning; Arashi-kun, what a guy, is dead along with a ghastly number of other people caught up in this conspiracy."

"But the Kyuubi has been sealed. Surely, it was not..."

"That's _what _they want you to think, _San_-_dai_-_me_. Those tricky bastards won completely. This game from the start was a win-win situation. They've got the souls they want, and God only knows, what else they've managed to accomplish."

"So..."

"We're ruined, completely ruined. I've lost everything. My home, my life's work, my colleagues, my very existence; all gone because of them, and on top of that, I dragged Yoruichi-san into this mess too. She's just as much an exile, a _fugitive_ as I am now."

"I see..." Sarutobi nodded sullenly. "Will the _Shinigami_ come after you?"

"Yup-yup, with deadly certainty. I'd say my future prospects are looking _pretty_ grim, Sarutobi-san."

"I find it hard to believe you truly are several _centuries_ old with that kind of attitude, Urahara-dono."

The bloodied man giggled girlishly, which sent a few cringing chills up the Hokage's spine despite his years of experience. It was really disturbing to hear Kisuke giggle. "Oh please. '_Urashara-dono_' makes me feel like an old man. _Kisuke_-chan or just Urahara!"

"Ah, of course..."

"So what happens _now_, Sarutobi-san?"

And so the tables between he and I have turned, so it seems, thought the old man with a chuckle. "That's a good question, Urahara-kun."

"_Oooo_, '_Urahara_-kun'! I like the sound of that!"

"Rebuild. Konoha needs strong leadership and guidance more than ever. Thanks to the Kyuubi, our position as a ninja village is in dire straits, and I fear that we will soon have to fight for our survival once again, not against another demon, but against our fellow humans."

"Ah, that's true. The _daiymo_ lords don't really care about you all. One ninja village is about as good any other ninja village as long as they get the results they want."

"Indeed."

"So what's to become of the boy?"

Sarutobi frowned, his shoulders tensing up abruptly. "I --- don't know."

"Ouch, it's that bad, huh?"

"Likely, I can persuade the _nin_ of this village not to seek retribution against the boy, but the villagers, the _citizens_ of Konoha, will not be so kind I'm afraid. They have suffered much. No, everyone has suffered, and they'll all be looking for a scapegoat. They won't care if he's just a child, innocent and naive. Vessel or no vessel; the villagers will perceive to be _the_ Kyuubi regardless, and alas, the _nin_ will undoubtedly not think much better of him."

"'_Because of him, the Yondaime is dead_!' or something like that, isn't that right?"

"Yes, and their loved ones and more."

"Looks like he's about as _screwed _as I am too."

The Sandaime did a spit-take at the utter crudeness of Kisuke's remarks. "Urahara-kun, watch your language!"

"Oh, _phooey_, he's asleep, Sarutobi-san! No harm in me dropping some _mild_ language right, like _fu_-"

"ENOUGH!" the older man roared, cradling the infant in his arms protectively. It was a small miracle that the boy had not awakened thanks to their brief bickering.

"Okay, okay, geez! I was only kidding," Kisuke mumbled back sheepishly. Moodily, he stared out at the fiery cityscape when suddenly a peculiar idea struck him. It was insane, utterly absurd, and if Yoruichi was conscious, she would have probably killed him for such a ridiculous idea. However, he had to admit it was completely _brilliantly_. Why he could barely hold back the urge to jump for joy and shout "Eureka!" passionately.

"Say, I got a great idea, Sandaime-san!"

"Hmm?"

"I'll take care of him for you, and don't you worry because I'll find away to get him read to be whatever it is he wants to be! Who knows, maybe he even wants to be an inventor just like me!"

Sarutobi stared flatly at the blood soaked man.

"What?"

"Urahara-kun, you do realize that is the most preposterous proposal you've made since you set foot in this village, yes?"

"Even crazier than my Plan B to take care of the Kyuubi?"

"Yes, even _crazier_ than your _Plan B _to take care of the Kyuubi."

"Awww, and I thought it was a brilliant plan too." The former _shinigami_ smiled wryly, a tell-tale sign that he was in fact quite serious, much to the Hokage's private exasperation.

"Urahara-kun, do you have _any_ experience with children? _Any_?"

"Well, I was one once, a _long_, _long _time ago. Right now, sounds like a good time as any to revisit my childhood aspirations. So does that count?"

Sarutobi sighed with forlorn resignation. There was no stopping the eccentric self-proclaimed "_scientist_" once he got himself worked up about something. "Would you perhaps reconsi-"

"_Reconsider_? What's there to reconsider, Sarutobi?" Kisuke demanded emphatically, raising his voice for the first time and dropping all pretenses of propriety. The man's stern eyes, clear as crystal, glared at him with a resolution that bordered insanity, as he raised an accusing finger towards the burning cityscape, choking with ashes, the screams of humanity, and darkness. "Do you seriously want him to _suffer_ by growing up in this _wretched_ hell hole?"

"Kisuke!"

"This is NOT Konoha's finest hour, man! It's chaos down there, a literal Hell on Earth."

"Yes, but the people of Konoha-!"

"Open your eyes! Look! Down there! All the ugliness in the human heart is bubbling right up to the surface! Even a _blind fool _can see it! The people who survive this will change, and they _will_ hate him, detest him, and kill him with their malice openly or otherwise. There's nothing for him here, Sarutobi. Nothing at all. Can you imagine what'll happen to him once the parents begin to teach their children-"

"I won't allow it, Kisuke!" the Hokage roared back defensively. "I'll think of something. A rule, perhaps, that no-"

"You're just running away from the problem, Sarutobi. The boy will never have a life. It'll be a miracle that he doesn't become a _monster_ when all of _this_ is said and done."

"I-"

"I can understand you love your people --- but think about this from the boy's perspective. Think about _his_ wants and needs! Not about the village. You _know_ you can't raise him; your position as Hokage would never allow --- well, you can imagine what the _Council of Elders_ and the _people_ will think."

He knew the _shinigami_ was right, but the truth did not make his decisions any easier to bear. It had been years since he had felt such a righteous indignation because here was this man insulting the very home, the very people, and the very ideals he had fought and bled for, yet...

"Shout, scream, cry, or do whatever it is you have to do, Sarutobi-san. We're only mortal at the end of the day. Even _shinigami_ don't live forever, and we're just fallible as humans."

"But, how do you expect to raise _him_, dammit? Have you forgotten the consequences you mentioned so clearly to Arashi and I, the consequences we would have to face by accepting your aid?"

Kisuke laughed, shaking his head as the light from the bright flames flickered hauntingly in his eyes. "Of course not, but a _man_ needs something more than revenge to live for, right?"

"...Kisuke."

"I've only seen a few things destroy a man faster than _revenge_, Sarutobi-san. Vanity. Pride. Yup, they're pretty high up on the list, don't you think so?"

No further words were said between the two men. Hands exchanged predictably with the sleeping baby of a boy wrapped in his impromptu white sheets going to Kisuke while the unconscious black cat went to the Sandaime. Interestingly, as soon as he laid his on the child, the boy began to cry, earning an amused laugh out of the _shinigami_ as he stood to his full prominent height. The smell of blood, apparently, was not to his liking in the slightest, and the blonde-haired man had to admit aloud that he smelled dreadful, like a slaughterhouse.

Sarutobi sighed inwardly, doubting whether he had made the right decision. However, as he stood there, watching Kisuke dote upon the child, cooing to him and making all sorts of absurd contortions with his face in order to get the boy to smile or to laugh rather to wail loudly, he had a small instinctive gut feeling that everything might turn out all right. It was a going to be a long twelve years before he would ever see the man --- _and_ the boy again, but in the meantime, he would do his best to secure their future.

The old, wizened man could only hope he could withstand Yoruichi Shihouin's righteous feminine indignation once she learned of the "crazy" or better yet "insane" scheme that was being set into motion without her say.

"Say, did Arash-kun ever mention to you what he would have named his first-born son?" Kisuke asked him in a solemn good-natured voice, as he continued to play with the child. Apparently, the nameless boy was very much interested with this apparent game of trying to capture his fingers by any means possible --- "Ouch!" --- including biting.

"Hmm, a name is it? You're much more thoughtful than you appear to be, Urahara-kun."

"Of course! I always try to please."

"I'm afraid Arashi never talked much about his aspirations for a family, at least to me anyhow. The only person who would know is the _sannin_, Jiraiya, but he's already long gone, unfortunately."

"So what to call him then? _Jinta_... _Kyo_... _Kenji_... _Naota_... Agh, they just don't suit this little guy."

"How about --- _Uzumaki Naruto_?"

"_U_-_zu_-_ma_-_ki_ _Na_-_ru_-_to_. Hmmmm, Uzumaki Naruto. Naruto. Uzumaki. Naru-chan! Uzu-san! Maki-yan! To-han! _Hmmm_, Uzumaki Naruto! I _LIKE _it! Did you hear it, kid?"

As if understanding the _shinigami_'s own words, the child with his bright blue eyes gave a gurgling cheer, raising his arms as high as he could.

"Your name from this day forth is: _UZUMAKI NARUTO_!"

And so it began...

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Well, there you have it. Chapter 1 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, BLEACH is a creation of Kubo Tite, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk. Multiple pairings inside folks, with UraharaxYoruichi (maybe a Soi FongxUraharaxYoruichi three way?) to name one, but I ain't gonna give away who will be the gal who gets Naruto's heart just yet! w00t, for Fem-Haku! You never know what you're going to get so read on (I might even do some alternative stuff, if you know what I mean).

* * *

How to be a Mr. Nice Guy

_Ore no_ _Nindo_ / My Way of the Ninja is...

Chapter 02:

To the Water Country!

A Naruto-BLEACH fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

The seasons changed dictated by the three beats of war, peace, and time. Summer seeded into autumn, autumn froze into winter, winter melted into spring, and the spring at last flourished into the lazy, balmy heat of summer where the spirits would play and the demons would dance, as men paid homage to their ancestors in the great beyond. Time ebbed and flowed through the cycle of eternity: day by day, week by week, and year by year. 

A child with blue eyes bright as the open sky and blonde hair like the rays of the sun grew into a boy in wonder and awe of the world around. By his side was _Geta_-_Boushi_ or "Sandal-Hat," the man who had been with him as far as he could remember. They were like peas in a pod, and wherever they went, they always went together, which suited him just fine. And together, they were the unstoppable Urahara _Shouten_ (or Urahara Shop), **the **number one convenience agents in all of the world.

He was four years old and going strong, and so today:

Uzumaki Naruto and Urahara Kisuke --- were going to the Water Country!

* * *

"Are we there yet?" drawled an irritatingly familiar baritone from the inside the flatbed of their small ox cart, the wheels of which were noticeably small to accommodate for his short stature. 

"No," he shot back flatly, trying his best to keep his voice level.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"_No_."

"Are we there yet?"

"...No."

"Are we there yet?"

"I said, '**No**.'"

"Are we there yet?"

"DARN IT! We're not there yet, all right, Kisuke-_BAKA_?" Naruto screamed back as he came to a sudden screeching stop from his brisk sprint and shoved down hard on the wooden handle of the cart.

The result was predictable but no less satisfying, watching his great mentor go sailing through the air over his shoulder with an exaggerated yelp, cane and all. Having been ejected forcefully from the cart, Kisuke landed with a thud several yards down the dirt road, skipping and bouncing along, like a stone until he came to a full stop. For several moments, the anamorphic lump of humanity dressed in green and black scarcely stirred, but the blonde knew fully well that the older man would come around very soon. Kisuke always did have a flair for theatrics.

"_Oiiiii_, we don't have all day, you know," Naruto called out in an admonishing tone of voice. "The longer you sit around admiring the clouds, the longer its going to take us to get to this '_city_' place you keep talking about. Whatever the heck that is."

A breeze shifted through the trees, rustling the leaves, as it tugged on the unmoving man's hat. Suddenly, Kisuke shot up to his feet, his back ram rod straight, cane in hand, and a devilish fiery aura radiating from his body. The blonde had to admit it made him jump, just a _little _to see his guardian, Sandal Hat, whip out the Urahara "Aura of Mischievous Doom (TM)," and he returned the older man's hooded gleaming gaze with a deafening cynicism.

"_Naaaaaaaaa-ruto_-kun," cooed Kisuke in a sickeningly sweet voice, as he made a side note to dust himself off a bit.

"What, _Geta-Boushi_?"

"That wasn't very _nice_, you know."

"And?"

"Remember, what I told you about respecting your elders?"

"Pshhh, I think you got it backwards, considering I'm the one who's always having to clean up after you! You're completely irresponsible."

The eternally unshaven man was grinning, and in the short life Naruto has lived, he had learned very quickly that Kisuke was up to no good when he had that smile on. With his matching green trousers and _yukata_, the black _haori_, the wooden sandals giving a staccato clap with each step he took, the drooping wide-brimmed fedora with green and white stripes, and his ever present wooden cane, Urahara Kisuke did not cut a trustworthy figure in the slightest. He was positively shady!

"Well, that's why I need you, _Na_-_ru_-_to_-_chan_!" the man declared proudly, clapping a hand smartly upon the boy's head as he suddenly appeared beside a very astonished Naruto.

How the heck does he do that? Is _Geta_-_Boushi_ some kind of ninja or what? "Hey! I'm not a girl, darn it, so don't call me 'Naruto-chan'!"

"But-But, _Naruto_-chan! Don't you think this is a totally awesome arrangement, hmmm? _Kukuku_, think about it. Since you've had no choice but to take responsibility for me, your intellect, maturity, and power of --- _Eureka_! --- the body, speed and agility through my special training, has taken a precocious spectacular increase by a factor One-Hundred-Twenty Percent!"

His jaw set in a tight smile, Naruto was trying very hard at that moment not to pull out his favorite invention to date, "_Taser_-chan," and give it another test run on Kisuke as the man jovially ruffled his hair with an egotistical cackle. There were few things he disliked more than Urahara Shop's owner, founder, president, and CEO when he ranted about --- _stuff_. The man had better not decide to pull out his trademark Urahara Shop owner's fan, do his down right _horrible_ impression of _the_ Don Kanonji laugh (an outstanding feat all in itself), or else...

"Why you're a perfect example of the unusual but highly productive method of raising children in the _New_ Century! _BWO-Hahahahahahaha_!" Kisuke laughed almost all too predictably, as he flashed his signature owner's fan seemingly out of thin air with a flourish. "In fact, Naruto-chan, you're a SUPER HERO GE-"

BZZZZZZZZZTTTTT!

"-BRUBLBLRHLGUUGHLLBLHBLHGLHGLHGLHGLRARGH-nius..."

The sweet sound of nature's ambience, the chirping of birds and the rustle of leaves waving in the wind, was like music to Naruto's ears as he hummed a playful ditty with a bounce to his step. At last, they were continuing on their peaceful journey to "The City-Thing", and best off all, Urahara Kisuke was a toasted twitching heap of humanity in the back of the Urahara Shop's Man-Portable Deluxe H.C.L. (High Capacity Lift) Cart (TM). He had gone thankfully silent, much Naruto's tear-filled joy. Taser-chan was the best invention he had ever made!

And to think he was only four and half years old! Mwahahahhaahha! Some day, the whole world would know of the name of Uzumaki Naruto, Boy Genius, and Inventor Extraordinaire! _BWO_-HAHAHAHAHHAHA!

Naruto scarcely noticed he was cackling aloud in an egomaniacal manner, which was not so unlike a terrible impression of Don Kanonji's trademarked laugh that his idol and the bane of his existence favored so much. Laying out charred in the back, a certain eternally unshaven man could not have been more proud of his protégé, charge, and business partner. With a gleaming smile on his face, Kisuke was _half_-tempted to join in on the boy's elated exuberance, but he did not feel like getting "Taser-chan'ed" again so soon, and so he wisely decided to keep his mouth shut.

Thus, another page would have to be chronicled down in the _merry_ domestic lives of Urahara Kisuke and Uzumaki Naruto, the world's number one convenience agents. The road was their home, and wherever there was work to be found, it was the place to be for them. Still, one question in particular remains to be asked.

What is a _convenience agent_ exactly?

* * *

It was not until nightfall that they finally reached the "City-Place-Thing," which in Naruto's opinion was just a really, really big village. He had certainly grown up fast, but there was still a few "grown-up" things he did not understand, like why adults had to come up names for everything. After all, would it not have been easier to call a "city" a "really, really big village" instead? Oh, adults just made no sense sometimes. 

"So, Naruto-kun! What do you think of the city?" Kisuke asked him amiably, always interested to hear what he had to say. He felt a familiar comforting hand lay itself upon his right shoulder, reminding him once more how Urahara had big hands. It still amazed him how Sandal Hat managed to accomplish such a vast array of delicate tasks that went along with the territory of being an inventor, considering how big his hands were; the man was positively one of a kind.

Naruto shrugged as he stood on his tiptoes, leaning against the railing on the outdoor balcony. They had barely managed to get lodgings for the night at a busy three-story inn on one of them many bustling streets in town, and in the process, had been shuffled off immediately to the third floor. There was no doubt in his young mind that they had been ripped off, even with Kisuke's legendary powers of persuasion, but he supposed the view was all right.

Even in the dead of night, the city was alive with the glare of bright neon signs and electric lights. Tall buildings soared upwards out of the crooked skyline as the streets filled with people going about their business. There was a kinetic energy in the air. Things were constantly in motion here, moving at a breathless pace, and in that respect, he sensed emptiness in this place, a kind of feverish paranoia. It was as if the people here were living in constant fear.

But what were they afraid of?

"Hey, _tenchou_-san, what did they call this place again?" Naruto asked plainly, earning a look out of the older man. It was far from every day that he actually ever referred to Kisuke by such a "formal title."

Urahara grinned, his silvery eyes gleaming with curiosity underneath the concealing veil of his drooping fedora. "This _place_, huh? '_Shiawase_,' which could mean happiness, good fortune, luck, or a blessing, at least according to Kondansha's _Japanese Desk Dictionary_, second edition."

"Hmmm..."

"'_Hmmm_...'?"

"It smells bad."

Kisuke barely managed to stifle a small guffaw. The boy always did some to have knack for the most educated, down to earth observations. Of course, Naruto did not think a single thing about it. He was just being himself, and subtlety was never one of his strengths.

The fact was, Naruto hated this place.

"How long are we going to be here, _Geta-Boushi_?" the blonde-haired boy asked him as he shifted the weight of his backpack around some. They always packed light and read to leave at a moment's notice, but thanks to the wonders of "_chakra_ scroll" storage techniques, they could pack a whole lot more in a relatively small space, including their cart.

Of course, the weight of the scrolls would add up eventually.

"Oh, probably just a day or two."

"'_A day or two_'? Ewww..."

"Ohohoho, don't worry we'll find work for sure. You just have to know where to look."

"Are you sure your info guy was right when he said they're be a big job here for definitely?"

"Of course, Tessai-san has always been a reliable source! You don't think he'd tell us a lie would he?"

"I dunno. I still think he tried to poison you with that 'Super Charged Lax-I-tive' medicine he had buried in his backyard that one time..."

"Uhh..." Kisuke sweated. He really did not want to remember that particular time when he had come down with some indigestion. Thanks to Tsukabishi Tessai's ever so thoughtful assistance, he had passed out his indigestion, but most of his bowels for three days straight. It was absolutely miserable being trapped in that accursed bathroom.

"Oh, whatever! If there's any work in this city, I'll find it and do it right!"

"Eh?"

"You just go find that big job and do it right too, okay, Kisuke-_jiji_?"

_Old _Man Kisuke? "Hohohoho, in that case, I'll trust you can take care of yourself then, Naruto-_chan_!" Yeesh, you have no idea, Naruto, no idea at all.

"What the-! Hey, I said I wasn't a..."

By the time, he whirled about from the railing Kisuke was already gone. Grinning mischievously, Naruto ran back into the room, his bright blue eyes searching for any sign of the man. He knew he would not find any, but he had to try anyway. It was a game between them, honestly. If he ever caught Sandal Hat leaving without his equipment, that is leaving unprepared, a pet peeve that the man often reprimanded him for, he would be instantly promoted to "Junior Manager Level 2"!

Of course, Kisuke never left anything behind because technically he was "Junior Manager Level 2" also.

* * *

Let's see here now, an equipment checklist: 

1 x Favorite Blue T-shirt.

1 x Favorite Blue Jeans.

1 x Utility Belt w/Taser-chan. (Nyuk-Nyuk!)

1 x Favorite _Gama_-chan Wallet.

1 x Favorite "Game Day" Shinobi Shoes.

And, of course...

1 x Room Key.

Missing?

1 x Map of Shiawase.

Yeah, the fact Naruto did not have a map of this town was probably why he was hopelessly lost at present, wandering somewhat aimlessly through the streets. He was only "somewhat aimlessly" wandering through the streets because his eyes and ears were wide open taking in all the sights and banter around, as he wove through the crowds. Luckily, nobody paid much attention to a child that just barely managed to come up to their upper waistline.

At the street level, the city was not too bad, and the energetic blonde had even been tempted to stop by a ramen stand he saw along the way. However, he just could not shake off this nagging feeling that something bad was going to happen. The atmosphere in this city was heavy, a suffocating tension laced with a sulfurous, downright nasty smelling acid.

It made him want to puke.

"Psstt, d-d-id ya hear 'b-bout the recent string of mur-murders?" whispered a jittery voice in hushed tones.

Suddenly, Naruto came to a stop, diverting himself to sit down on a nearby bench. Of the many skills Sandal Hat had taught him that were part of the fundamental basics of being a convenience agent, hearing was by far one of the most crucial. The ability to gather information could lead to a job, allow the agent to learn more about his or her surroundings, and more importantly, about the clients and the parties involved.

Another voice replied, disgruntled and unhappy, "Idiot, keep your mouth shut!"

"I'm-I'm keeping my mouth shut."

"No, you're not! So keep it shut."

"B-But I _am_ keeping my mouth shut."

"Oh, Hell! Look, I can give less than a rat's butt that that witch, _Butsube_, got her apartment buildin' trashed."

"But th-that's not the on-only place! A couple of days ago-"

"Yeah, yeah, I heard the bridge down in the Machi District was completely destroyed too, bodies everywhere, blood and guts."

"Hey, you forgot about the b-bodies at..."

"I know, I know! And there that other murder down by Seizou street just last night, bloody freakin' massacre in the middle of rush hour too."

"Y-Yeah, those Mister --- I mean --- _Mist_ Hunter N-_Nin_ we-were completely out of c-c-control. They just started attacking, k-kil-killin' anything that moved."

Mist Hunter Nin? thought Naruto curiously, wrinkling his nose in distaste. He never did like ninjas, always meddling into other people's problems arbitrarily, and there were few ninjas worse than the Hunter Nins. Those morons wouldn't know the difference between right and wrong, even if it was a kunai being stabbed into where it really hurt.

Bloody nasty bastards.

"Psh, and don't forget about that freaky ice that just started popping up everywhere!"

"Ooooo, the h-hu-human icicles?"

"Dammit, don't say that! It's just ice!"

"But they were f-f-rozen like ice cream!"

"You moron, have some respect for them dead idiots."

"S-Sorry..."

"Say, is it just me or has it been getting colder lately?"

"Dunno, we've been getting some we-weird weather in the past few days."

"It's summer for God's sake! It's supposed to blazing hot so the spirits can come out and do whatever weird haunting crap they do."

"I kno-! M-eh!"

"Huh, what's wrong?"

"It's SNOWING!"

Say what?

Not believing what he was hearing, Naruto looked up and was surprised to see exactly that, his sudden gasp joining the multitude of other voices in the crowd. People literally froze in the streets to watch the drifting shower of white falling from the dark sky. With all the bright neon signs, it was hard for him to tell if there were any clouds up there.

Yup, something was definitely not right about this picture and his "Mr. Nice Guy Senses!" were tingling! He was going to look into this all right, though detective work tended not to be profitable. Still, even Sandal Hat would say that this was a worthwhile investment, and without a little risk, there was no joy in reaping the benefits. The only problem was...

Where the heck am I going to start looking... thought Naruto, as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. In situations like this, Sandal Hat had always told him to clear his heart and soul, listen to his senses, and let the inner "Eureka!" come to him.

Whatever the heck _that_ meant...

"_Move in_. Search and _destroy_," hissed a distorted voice harshly in the distance. "The target's _nearby_. GO! GO-GO-GO-GO!"

Well, gee-whiz, it actually worked!

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes: 

w00t, here we go with chapter 2! Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas. I'll see about working in the Bleach characters and whatever else as I go along, but I'm mostly playing this by ear, so cross your fingers.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, BLEACH is a creation of Kubo Tite, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk. Multiple pairings inside folks, with UraharaxYoruichi (maybe a Soi FongxUraharaxYoruichi three way?) to name one, but I ain't gonna give away who will be the gal who gets Naruto's heart just yet! w00t, for Fem-Haku! You never know what you're going to get so read on (I might even do some alternative stuff, if you know what I mean).

* * *

How to be a Mr. Nice Guy

_Ore no_ _Nindo_ / My Way of the Ninja is...

Chapter 03:

The Human Condition

A Naruto-BLEACH fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Sano _hated _his job. 

The hunter nin had --- apparently --- been short on _bodies_, thanks to their repeated failed attempts to capture the wretched little _abomination_. Ugh, the very thought of the ugly thing made him sick to his guts. The hunter nin had finally tracked down their _prey _to this city.

Hmph, some _prey_, the chuunin scoffed haughtily. In just a few days, they've already lost a platoon, twelve oh-so-highly-professional hunter nin to a mere _child_. It was pathetic, absolutely pathetic. His offices were being overwhelmed by --- ahem --- _writs of concern_ from the government dogs of this insignificant city. Civilian casualties were mounting up, and they wanted some --- answers.

"_Oi_, _Nii_-san!"

Psh, they should be grateful that the Mizukage even-!

"_OI_, _O-NII-_san!"

Hmph, if there was another war, he'd

"HEY, _YOU DIRTY OLD FART_!"

"What the hell? Who called me a '_DIRTY OLD FART_'?" bristled Sano furiously whirling about, drawing his kunai instinctively. His bulging eyes searched frenziedly for a target, the nondescript alleyway completely empty. There was not a soul in sight. Where had that voice come from? Now that he thought about it, did it not sound like a child's voice?

The voice giggled. "Figured that get your, _O_-_JI_-san!"

"WHAT? Where are you? Show yourself, you bastard!"

"Hey-Hey, now! That wasn't a very nice thing to say."

"_Where_. _Are_. _You_?"

"Tsk, for a _chuunin_ (I mean, that _vest _ain't just for a show is it?), you're not very good at what you do."

"_Chikushou_! Where the hell are you?"

"Oh, look, do you mind if I just borrow that headset and walkie-talkie you have, Chuunin-san? I mean, with that thing, I ought to be able to listen in on the movements of the hunter _nin_ and what they're doing, right?"

"_HA_! So you're after the demon too, huh?"

"Demon?"

"Don't try to act innocent! You want that _abomination _with the bloodline limit, don't you? Hah, you'll never make it in time. The hunter _nin_ already have it cornered down in the sewers, near the water treatment plant!"

"Oh, so this is what it's all about? Mist _shinobi_ politics, huh?"

"Ehhhhh?"

"By the way, you should look down, _Chuunin_-san! I got a surprise for you!"

Mad beyond reason at that point, Sano complied without a second thought and looked down. His jaw dropped wide open when he locked eyes with the little brat's blazing blue eyes, his whisker marked face split in half with a gleaming _shit_-eating grin. The little blonde-haired runt had been standing right next to him the entire time, and --- hey, what's that black thing with a crackling point he had in his hand?

"Say, '_CHEESE_'!"

"What the-"

_BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT_!

"-BRUBLBLRHLGUUGHLLBLHBLHGLHGLHGLHGLRARGH-hell...?"

Sano dropped like a ton of bricks, thudding heavily onto the pavement with no resistance. His last vision was the sight of blonde-haired fox brat mouthing a thank you of some sort before jamming the black thing into his gut again! Oh, he knew no more after that, embracing the oblivion of unconscious whole-heartedly. The chuunin really did not want to be hit by the "Black Stick of Hurt" for the umpteenth time.

* * *

"Stay on the radio and watch yourselves," the Captain commanded harshly, as his team mates padded stealthily along the edge of the dimly lit tunnel. He had coordinated personally with the city officials at a great expense to reduce power to the grids running in the sewers just to give his hunter nin the extra edge they needed on this particular occasion. Many good shinobi had given their lives in this hunt, and those corrupt dogs would never understand the value of their sacrifices. 

Who cares if a "few" civilians just so happened to be caught in the crossfire? Ha, those pigs were easily replaceable, but the lives of shinobi were different. It took years to forge a human being into a masterpiece, a true shinobi, and that simple fact made them infinitely more valuable that some random bystanders who happened to be caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"No _screw ups _this time, understood? Remember, you _are not_ to engage until you are authorized by _me_. We can't afford to lose anymore personnel. The Mizukage grows _anxious _for results!"

"Man, cool your jets, Nandaba. We all know the M-O for the mission already," laughed a haughty voice mockingly over the radio.

"What did _you _say, _Blauer_ 7?"

"The only reason the Mizukage's pissed is because of your incompetence, and everybody knows it."

Under his hunter nin mask, Nandaba gnashed his teeth indignantly. There was not even a way for him to give a proper retort to such an insult because it was all true.

"Hell, I'd go as far as to say that you can't kill one measly waif of a brat is because you got no sense of class."

"'_Class_'? And what the _hell _do you mean by that, _Blauer_ 7?"

"Scratch that, Nandaba, you're an incompetent _and_ an idiot."

"_TOSHIO_!"

An echo of bemused cackling immediately issued forth over the radio. Nobody laughed openly though, except for Toshio himself since he had the rank to get away with it. "See, what did I tell you, boys and girls? Nandaba is a moron."

"_Kuso_..."

"If he had any brains, he would have figured out ages ago that if you can't fight the enemy head on, you should try coming at them from _behind_."

"Huh?"

"And if you're _really_ good, you can come at them from _sideways_."

"...The hell?"

"Oh for God's sake, it's a kid, Nandaba! No home, no family, been on the run for a good two years now. Hell, haven't you ever heard of the phrase, '_kindess can kill_'?"

"And what's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Man, you really are an idiot. How the hell did you ever make _jounin_ and then a hunter nin, no less?"

"Ha! Who needs tactics when you have raw power, Toshio?"

"Oh yeah, that's right. You're friggin' _ninjutsu_ and _taijutsu_ brute, plus the Mizukage at the time had lowered standards for the jounin exams to get more manpower. Pshhh, you little prick."

Nandaba laughed wickedly, a sense of satisfaction and confidence returning to him at last. "Whatever, it doesn't change the fact that _I_ am the team captain for this mission, and that's _why_ I have _you_ bringing up the rear, _Blauer_ 7."

"Yeah, yeah. Go screw yourself, _Blauer_ 1."

"After you, _Blauer_ 7."

"Maybe I'll take you up on that just so I can --- what the? Hey, what's-gahg! G-Ga-sgas...ah!"

"_Blauer_ 7! _Blauer_ 7, respond!" Nandaba hissed in alarm, as he motioned for his men to stop moving with a clenched fist.

There was no response, just static over the radio. Toshio's team comprised of four hunter nin, including himself, and the very idea that they had been all defeated in a matter seconds with no struggle sent a cold chill up his spine. Someone else was down here with them, and they were strong too.

Angrily, he roared at his men, "Dammit! What the hell are you bastards standing around here for? Go-Go-Go-Go! Now! Recon, stand by! We're... Recon? Recon, respond? Recon!"

Great, this made eight men on this latest sortie. Eight! How the heck was he ever going to live this blunder down even if he managed to survive?

* * *

"Geez, and these guys are supposed to be Mister Hunter Nin, elite _shinobi_ and all that?" Naruto murmured dryly as he ran briskly along the water way with a gas mask worn over his face. "Looks like they didn't take a shine to Urahara Shop's Super Strength Knockout Gas either. Talk about disappointing." 

It never did cease to amaze him how stupid some people could be, ignoring even the most basic of "common sense" principles. The energetic blonde-haired boy figured it was probably because of the way people were conditioned since birth by their parents and the environment they grew up. If this was the case, then he was very luck indeed to have grown up around Urahara Kisuke indeed, much to Naruto's private chagrin. It really did take a crazy nut to know another crazy nut in his case.

The only thing left to do now was to keep running and hope that by the time he got to this reservoir junction the hunter nin had this "abomination" cornered it would not be too late. He was picking up a lot of nasty radio traffic from that direction, and it seemed a pretty brutal battle had started. Judging by the shouting and screaming wails he heard, the Mister hunter nin were getting their butts kicked again.

Naruto really hoped he was not running towards his own death.

* * *

How did Naruto know he had come to the right place when the radio went completely silent with static? Well, he followed the frost. When he got a little closer, he followed the frost, the crystallizing puffs of his hot breath, and the goose bumps popping up along his arms. When he got really close, he followed the frost, the crystallizing puffs of his hot breath, the goose bumps popping up along his arms, and the ice. 

By the time Naruto finally arrived, he had rummaged through his utility belt and unpacked a heavy jacket and a pair of climbing boots with spiked cleats to wear out of their storage scrolls. In his humble opinion, he felt he was pretty darn prepared when he crossed that blinding threshold into the reservoir junction, lifting up his black gas mask in the process. Still, what he saw with his own two blue eyes made him want to wretch.

Death.

It was probably only six months ago when the topic had come up between himself and Sandal Hat. They had been doing a job in a village near the border of the Fire Country when they had come across a funeral procession, all dressed in black and solemn. Naruto had wondered why everybody had such long faces, and well, Kisuke had sobered up in one of his rare bursts of wisdom beyond his years.

Death.

Dying was a natural part of life he had said. It was part of what made human beings and all the other living things in this world mortal: to live was to die. Naturally, all living things fought to live, though death was most assuredly inevitable. Their were many ways to die, of course: natural and unnatural.

What he was seeing right at this moment was a clear example of the latter. Humans killing humans; there was blood here and there, frozen to a dark crystal red, throughout the vast chamber. Occasionally, there was a severed limb, which was frozen too, but more often than not were the icicles. They were huge great things erupting from the floor that comprised of ice, all the running water below frozen, and inside them were --- people.

Naruto could see clearly the last moments of the Mist hunter nin, all of eight of them locked in their final death throes. Even with their masks still on, he could feel the anguish and the horror etched upon their faces, making his throat tighten with revulsion. Try as he might, he could not step confidently through this gruesome moratorium, the once burning strength in his legs gone limp.

"It's all such a waste of life" was probably something Kisuke would have said to describe the heavy scene.

"_A_-_Anou_, umm --- _o-oi_! Uhhh, is anybody there?" the blonde-haired boy asked tentatively as he stepped carefully through the slipper landscape. This place was starting to seriously creep him out with all the dead Mist hunter nin.

"Umm, look. Uhhh, if anybody's still there. I'm a... My name's... My name's Uzumaki Naruto. I'm --- uhh --- four and a half years old. I'm a --- I'm a _convenience agent_. It's my job. It's what I do for a living with my friend, mentor, boss, uhh --- father figure guy, I guess --- _Geta­_-_Boushi_. His real name's Urahara Kisuke by the way."

Yup, Naruto knew he was rambling aloud, but he honestly did not know what else to do. He had no idea of this "demon" person was still here, and if so, what were his or her intentions. Heck, he did not even know if they were still alive.

"Actually, I don't know what I'm doing here myself. I just sort of followed my instincts, well --- my ears. I got really good hearing, hehehe... Ummm, I wasn't born here in Water Country, but I do know a thing or two about its history thanks _Geta_-_Boushi_! He's really, uhh, _smart_, you know."

If there was one thing that was for sure, Urahara Kisuke was definitely a genius.

"So, _etou_, you wanna talk about it? I mean, I'll leave if you don't want me hanging around. I swear to God, I'll never --- uhh --- tell anybody I saw you, but if you want, I can help you out! Really-really! Free of charge and everything. Truth is, I --- well, I really don't like _shinobi_ to be honest and least of all the Mist _nin_. That genocide, ethnic cleansing stuff they did was just --- well, _bad_."

Okay, he was running out of things to talk about fast, and unless something happened soon, he was going to...

Bump!

Naruto froze.

Okay, so he got his wish. Something finally did happen, and now, his face was buried dead on into a firm if somewhat bony mass, which was thankfully clothed. The coarse material of the fabric was really irritating his nose, not to mention it positively wreaked! If he was not scared out of his mind right now, he might have just jumped ten feet into the air and declared it absolutely repulsive.

The important question now was: what the heck was he going to do next?

"_A_-_Anou_, is this th-the way --- p-pe-people nor-normally --- gre-eet each other?" a hushed feminine voice broke in hesitantly. Her voice was weak and raspy, as if she was not used to speaking, and her words nervously chosen.

Sensing a subtle change in the heavy atmosphere, Naruto gingerly took a step back, scrubbing at his face lightly with the sleeve of his heavy jacket, just to make sure he was still in one piece. Reassured of his apparent mortality, he fixed his curious blue gaze upon the girl and...

"My God, what on Earth happened to you?" the hyperactive boy murmured in shock.

Standing before him was the most miserable example of the "human" condition, as Sandal Hat liked to say, that he had ever seen. It was appalling just to look at the inhumanity, and the injustice bred and beaten into a kid his own age, give or take a year or two. She was an emaciated waif, with long, wild filthy hair that seemed to have a mind of its own, and big black bangs underneath her dark eyes, like she had not gotten a good night's sleep in ages. Heck, there seemed to be dirt and grim all over her, and the only clothing she had was an old tattered T-shirt two sizes too big for her, so it was practically a dress.

He had seen some pretty nasty things in his short life, and Kisuke was never squeamish in the slightest of showing him both sides of the coin: the good and the bad. However, there was more to life than just those simple distinctions because human beings were grey. It was hard to say what it was exactly, but Naruto felt a resonance, like an echo or deja vu, when he stared into this pitiful girl's dark eyes, a pitch black that might have been a shade of dark blue once. He felt that as if they were two of kind, that they were alike one another, and honestly that they were no different from each other.

They were the same.

Normally, a relationship of a convenience agent with his or her client ended once a job was finished. It was simply put, the inevitable conclusion of a contract, and protracting such a relationship would be --- well, in bad taste. However, his "Mr. Nice Guy Senses!" that Sandal Hat had worked so hard to instill in him were telling him something totally different this time.

He was taking _her _with him...

...and Urahara Kisuke be damned if he had any dissenting opinions.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes: 

Huzzah, chapter 3! What's with Naruto's beef with ninjas anyway? And what's Kisuke going to do when he finds out about this latest development? (Snicker-Snicker.) Well, if you've got any thoughts, feelings, and/or questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, BLEACH is a creation of Kubo Tite, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk. Multiple pairings inside folks, with UraharaxYoruichi (maybe a Soi FongxUraharaxYoruichi three way?) to name one, but I ain't gonna give away who will be the gal who gets Naruto's heart just yet! w00t, for Fem-Haku! You never know what you're going to get so read on (I might even do some alternative stuff, if you know what I mean).

* * *

How to be a Mr. Nice Guy

_Ore no_ _Nindo_ / My Way of the Ninja is...

Chapter 04:

The Mean Streets

A Naruto-BLEACH fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Instinctively, not really even thinking about it, Naruto shrugged off his heavy jacket and slung it around the taller girl's shoulders (maybe a head or so taller than him). If he had thought about it, he might have noticed that the girl was not shivering in the slightest despite the near sub-zero temperatures. Of course, he did not take heed to that notion in the slightest bit, his mind moving at a mile per minute on autopilot. 

"Here, drink this," Naruto told the girl, as he unbuckled his canteen from his utility belt, unscrewing the cap, and handing the opened canteen to her a single crisp motion. "It's the Urahara _Shouten_'s Mega Energizer Drink of Life (patent still pending) with all your essential vitamins and nutrients; tastes really sour at first, but it gets sweet later. Works great for all-nighters and some super-heavy duty studying!"

She stared at him with uncomprehending eyes. Probably half of things he had said to her had not even clicked in her mind at all. Heck, she was probably confused as to why he had even put his jacket around her.

With that said, the hyperactive blonde swallowed his pride and gave a sheepish grin at his own foolishness. "Well, umm, it tastes good, once you get used to it. Its, um, sorta like a soda, err, tonic. Ummm, uhhh --- think of it like water that doesn't taste like water because it's got flavor."

"'_Wa_-_Water_ --- _that doesn't taste _---_ like water_'?" she responded, cocking her head to the side quizzically.

"_Hora_, aren't you thirsty?"

The girl looked inquisitively at his canteen, an intense spark of emotion flickering across her eyes for an instant. She licked her parched lips, as Naruto hung by on the hooks of anxiety. The suspense was killing him. Though he figured he had gained some measure of trust from her because he was not a frozen corpse, he knew he still had more work to do before he could go through with the next phase of his plan.

It amazed him still to even think that one little girl managed to decimate two teams of Mist hunter _nin_ on her own in combat. However, considering he was able to incapacitate one team by himself using his brain and not his fists, it was not that hard to believe actually. Adults really did have a tendency to underestimate kids, neglecting the possibility that sometimes great things did come in small packages.

"Okay, umm, would you like something to eat too?" Naruto offered, procuring a "candy" bar of some sort wrapped in silver foil and presenting it to her with his other hand. "It's Urahara _Shouten_'s Delicious Super-Crunch Energy Bar (patent still pending too)! Vanilla flavored filling on the inside with an outer layer of crispy rice and assorted fruit coated with chocolate on the outside. Now, this tastes great! Sweet!"

Almost immediately, the girl seemed to light up at the sound of the "yummy" contents of the energy bar. Congratulatory thoughts of success rifled through the blonde-haired boy's mind proudly, but he knew better than to count his chickens just yet.

"You can have it all, _Onee_-chan, but you gotta drink the '_water_' too, okay? AND you have to drink _all_ of it! Okay?"

She considered the offer for a moment, her brows knitting together in abject concentration, before she nodded affirmatively, much to his private relief. He handed her the opened canteen first, before swiftly unwrapping the energy bar and handing it over too. Initially, she nibbled on the chocolate-coated energy bar just to get a taste for it, chewing on it thoughtfully, but before Naruto knew it, she was wolfing it down like no tomorrow. The bar almost literally disappeared out of her hand within a second, and somewhat predictably, she began to choke.

Naruto freaked, his eyes bulging into absurd proportions as he coaxed the girl to drink from his canteen immediately. He did not know whether to start administering the Heimlich maneuver, but luckily, she managed to wash down the offending "candy" he had offered her. Right then, he was expecting her to shoot him an accusatory glance, blaming him for making her joke, but instead she did something completely unexpected.

She laughed...

"Y-You're --- right. It does --- taste like --- _life_!"

...and then she started to cry.

* * *

It was times like this that Naruto wish he had eyes on the back of his head. The oppressive atmosphere in the streets was drenched in layers of suffocating paranoia. Any second now, he was expecting the surviving Mist hunter _nin_ he had left mercifully alive or the _chuunin_ he had knocked out with Taser-chan to materialize out from the crowds, like black slivers of death. He was nervous beyond comprehension now that he had something to protect for a change, and the warmth of the girl's thin, slender hands that he grasped with his own hand was not lost to him. 

Sandal Hat never let him handle any escort jobs, and now, the hyperactive blonde-haired boy was beginning to understand perfectly why: protecting someone else was hard work! He had never been so stressed out in his life. Literally, he felt like he was sweating bullets, his cold hands clammy and shaky, while his bright blue eyes danced apprehensively from corner to corner, scanning for danger. If it were not for the girl, he would have gone stark raving mad a while ago in panic.

She still wore his heavy jacket, and on top of that, he had managed to scrounge up a cheery skull cap. His open-toed _shinobi_ shoes were a bit of tight fit, but he would sooner be condemned to the hall of shame than to let her walk around barefoot. There was not much he could do to clean her clothes, or the filth lingering all over her. However, he had given them both a healthy dose of the Urahara Shop's "Smells GREAT! Scentless Ultra Sanitizer Spray" so they would not smell like the pits when they had finally gotten out of the sewers. The sanitizing spray was one of Sandal Hat's inventions, and he claimed it worked so well that even dogs would not be able to track somebody who had applied it on recently.

Naruto was not so sure about it, but at least he and the girl did not smell like a nasty wreaking mix of dead rat, blood, feces, and whatever else was mixed into the raw sewage down there anymore. He supposed he was a little bit luckier too that the crowds of people in the bustling streets could careless about two passing children, while their minds were preoccupied entirely with the metrological phenomenon occurring above them. The snow was still falling, though it was not cold enough yet to amount to anything

Speaking of the snow, he wondered if the nameless girl had something to do with it. Her bloodline limit probably had something to do with temperature, water, moisture, or something along those lines. There was no way she could possibly control the weather, considering modern science has not even gotten that far yet. Sure, they had radios, television, microwaves, and refrigerators, but the _daimyo_ had put strict regulations on the progress of technology. He imagined they were being brow beaten by the _shinobi_ villages to an extent. However, they were also likely putting on such restrictions to preserve their own power.

Naruto frowned at the thought as he continued to lead the girl along by the hand. Adults. Why are they always so obsessed with power? I'm never going to understand them at this rate.

Now, the game plan from here on out was pretty simple in his mind. He had to get the girl back to his and Sandal Hat's room back at the inn. It was not safe out here in the streets, and though he hated to admit it, he would feel a whole lot safer with "Mr. Irresponsible" Urahara Kisuke around than not. After all, in a tight spot, the odds usually favored two heads over one --- or something like that expression.

Still, I don't get why she started crying, wondered the hyperactive blonde-haired boy as he sub-consciously began to slow down his strides to match the girl's pace. They were literally walking side by side now. I was going nuts trying to calm her down, then she stopped crying, and she kind of --- I don't know --- looked at me. I must've looked like a complete idiot to her! Agh!

It must have been so true to her too, but her expression had been completely unreadable. Grudgingly, Naruto figured that there were still a great many things he did not understand, particularly other people. It was so much easier dealing Sandal Hat as the man was positively a guy after his own heart. They really did not have to communicate a whole lot, and when they did, it was really just for fun or get some special details across in their conversations.

Oh well, he supposed he would have to start talking eventually, especially if he wanted to find out anything at all about this girl, like what was her name, where was she from, and so on. "_Ne_, are you all right with this?"

She did not respond to him at all and her dark eyes had this moody "far away" look in them. Naruto made a face at the unexpected setback, pouting comically.

"_Oi_, are you sure you're all right with this?" he tried again.

Predictably, the nameless girl did not reply to him, and if verbal stimuli were not reaching her, he supposed he would have to try a different approach. Gently, he gave her hand a gentle squeeze. She gasped, jolting neatly upright in mid-stride, as a faint blush graced her cheeks. Her reaction was priceless, and it brought a beaming smile on Naruto's face easily, which did not falter in the slightest bit when the girl fixed him with her somewhat emotionless mask.

"There, finally got your attention, huh?"

She stared at him, a flicker of emotion streaking across her eyes for a second before she turned away. "Hm."

"'_Hm_'? What's a '_hm_'?"

"Hm..."

"Hmmm..." Geez, she was sure uptight.

"Hm."

"You know, you do realize we're in pretty big danger, right?"

"...hm."

"Aren't you worried at all, _Onee_-san?"

"Sh-should I be?" she replied listlessly, much to his surprise. Her voice was stronger than before, less raspy, but he could still sense a heavy weariness to it. He had to wonder when the last time she got a good night's sleep was.

"Well, you should be. It's only natural, isn't it? Those guys were trying to kill you! Of course, they're going to come after you again."

"...it's not the first time."

Naruto blinked. "What?"

"Nothing."

Great, she closed up on me! Smooth move, Naruto-_baka_! "Umm, okay...uhhh, you do know I'm lost, right?"

"Hm."

"I mean, if we can't find our way back to the inn where _Geta_-_Boushi_ and me are staying, we're going to be in huge trouble. The streets are too dangerous."

"Hm."

"We're too exposed out here. And we could be-!"

Suddenly, the barely audible hiss of steel caught his ears, a brief whistle in the cold air. Instincts took over, and once again, Naruto was very thankful for his good hearing as he threw himself on top of the girl, sending them both to the ground. He could feel the hairs on the back of his neck standing electrified on end. Something buzzed by over his head by centimeters, an accurate throw that could have been deadly, and somehow, he had the feeling it had been meant for him even though its trajectory aimed towards the girl.

A glistening black _kunai_ embedded itself with a ominous "thunk!" a foot away from where he lay prone on the ground on top of the nameless girl an near instant later. Bystanders in the street froze, an eerie pregnant pause settling over the scene, as their stunned eyes zeroed in on the spectacle. Somebody screamed and pandemonium erupted with people fleeing left and right for safety, not caring if they had trampled somebody to get out of the way.

Naruto stood up and swiftly extended a hand to the prone, knowing fully well the dangers of a riot. "Hey, come on! Quick! Get up! We need to-!"

He never got a chance to finish when something struck dead on the chest, flinging him down the street by several feet where he landed roughly on his back. The boy genius gritted his teeth, fighting through the haze of pain, as he heard something twirling away from him. Breathing haggardly, he pulled himself to his feet to a catch glimpse of his assailant standing several yards away with the girl stuck in the middle between them.

"Yo! Long time no see, _gaki_!" greeted a familiar looking Mist _nin_, clad in a greet _chuunin_ vest, as he caught the returning object in one hand. It was a freaking boomerang. The guy had nailed him with a freaking boomerang!

Naruto snarled in distaste, glaring daggers at the sneering man, "You _shinobi_ just have the best timing, don't you?"

"Of course, a _shinobi_ should always be diligent and expedient in his or her tasks!"

"Hmmm, so how do you like that new '_fro_ I gave you, _Oji_-san? Or do you want another k-i-s-s! kiss from Taser-chan to make it more poofy?"

"Shut up! Because of you I look like a freakin' hippie!" the _chuunin_ roared angrily, his eyes bulging into absurd proportions. Sure enough, where his hair had once been straight, there was now a huge mass of nappy hair, at least twice the size of his head. It was a monster afro.

"But I was seriously doing you a favor! Don't you know afros are all the rage right now? You've got style, _jiji_!"

"STOP CALLING ME AN OLD MAN! I'M ONLY TWENTY-TWO YEARS OLD!"

"Single? Never had a date in your life?"

"...wha- WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?"

Naruto grinned toothily. "I knew it all along. You really are a loser! No wonder you hate the afro I gave you, and I thought it was a good trade off for the radio, too."

"Shut the hell up! I can kill you in a blink of an eye if I wanted to!"

"That's what they all say, but it ain't exactly manly to be picking on a bunch of kids, right?"

"Grrr, you've got a lot of nerve interfering with Mist _shinobi_ business, _kusogaki_."

"Of course, it's only natural I got to deal with some _bullies _and teach them who's boss," the blonde-haired boy shot back as he took a determined step forward, causing the _chuunin_ to brandish his boomerang impulsively.

"Hey, don't move a muscle!"

"Oh, get lost. Even you aren't stupid enough to lift another finger against me, especially not when **she's** looking at you, are you?"

"What?"

For the first time, the Mist _shinobi_ finally noticed a certain little girl with a _kunai_, his _kunai_ to be exact, in her hands pointed at him. His blood ran like ice, his face paled, and Naruto could have sworn the man must have wet his pants. Cold fear poured out of every inch of his body.

"_Oi_, _Onee_-san, it's okay!" Naruto shouted confidently. "You've got him, so just back away --- really _slowly_."

"Back...away?" the girl responded to him in an unnerving distant voice, never taking her eyes off the trembling _chuunin_. It was as if the entire notion of mercy was completely alien to her. "Why?"

"Look, he's not going to do anything to us as long you don't back him into a corner. Can't you see the fear in his eyes? The guy's shell-shocked."

"Hm."

"He-Hey, you're not really planning on killing him now, are you?"

"What if I want to kill him?"

Naruto choked, reeling back with a cringe of revulsion. "_O-O-Oi_! You're not serious, are you, _Onee_-san?"

"It's always the same. Kill or be killed. Why? Why can't they leave me alone?"

"Be-BECAUSE! Y-You're a-a-a-a! A MON-_monster_!" the terrified _chuunin_ screamed, brandishing his boomerang threateningly. "And monster's don't deserve to live!"

The nameless girl lowered her head as threads of blue _chakra_ began to seep out of her armed hand, enveloping the _kunai_ she held. "Yes, that's the reason, isn't it?"

"Wa-WAIT! Stop! It's doesn't have to be-" Naruto protested before he was suddenly cut off by a sharp noise.

Up above the deafening sound of a glass window pane shattering echoed down into the street, accompanied by an dramatic shout of "LOOK OUT BELOW!" that drew all eyes upwards. By dumb luck, the Mist _chuunin_ was closest to the origin, and by the time he looked up, he barely managed glimpse a green and black striped blur falling out of some restaurant's window on the third floor of the building. The darkness of unconsciousness consumed him a near instant later when the blur promptly crushed him into the pavement.

He was going to be feeling this one in the morning.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes: 

And the show goes on with chapter 4! Who fell out of the window? Will Naruto ever figure out how to deal with people? Heck, is he actually going to survive the night at this rate? If the Mist _nin_ don't get to him first, maybe the girl he's trying to protect just might! Well, if you've got any thoughts, feelings, and/or questions: hey, fire away, fellas.

Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and every one of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, BLEACH is a creation of Kubo Tite, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk. Multiple pairings inside folks, with UraharaxYoruichi (maybe a Soi FongxUraharaxYoruichi three way?) to name one, but I ain't gonna give away who will be the gal who gets Naruto's heart just yet! w00t, for Fem-Haku! You never know what you're going to get so read on (I might even do some alternative stuff, if you know what I mean).

* * *

How to be a Mr. Nice Guy

_Ore no_ _Nindo_ / My Way of the Ninja is...

Chapter 05:

Sandal Hat For The Win!

A Naruto-BLEACH fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"Oooooo, phew...that was a close one. So was anybody hurt? Well, minus the kind gentleman who broke my fall, that is!" Kisuke giggled jovially to no one in particular despite the pained tension in his voice. He put on his best grin, a fool's smile, as he clutched Benihime in her disguised form, an unassuming wooden cane tightly in his grasp. 

On the surface, it looked like he was not the slightest perturbed about being thrown out the window from a third story building after successfully conducting some profitable business. The world was always in need of first-rate convenience agent's such as himself. So what if there was a little commotion going on outside? It was not like the world was ending!

Though, he had to wonder: where was his "pure coolness" hat?

Anyway, this assumption was his first and last mistake. Giddy with delight, he had not been expecting the unexpected to haul him up literally by the lapels of his _yukata_. He barely got a glimpse at tall, lanky man with bells in his dark spiky hair and a black eye patch over his right grinning fiendishly at him, like he was Satan himself, before the man hurling him straight out the window in a single powerful blow.

Of all the dumb luck, he had to meet Zaraki "Mad Dog" Kenpachi in a place like this, while the ruthless, brutal man was on an _incognito_ assignment no doubt from Soul Society!

"_Oiii_, Urahara-_yarou_dono, why don't you use the _stairs _next time!" bellowed Kenpachi's harsh voice from above, filled with dark humor. There was a kind of peculiar glee in his voice too, like the kind a hunter might have had at finally discovering rare quarry in his midst. "Here..."

The eternally unshaven man managed to look up just in the nick in time to see something _else_ that was green and white stripped before it flopped audibly on his face. How the heck his signature hat managed to defy gravity by falling that fast was a mystery to be solved later. Judging by the fact that Zaraki was laughing madly back upstairs like a kid at a toy store, accompanied by the sound of breaking bottles and protesting staff, it would probably be a smart idea to...

"Think fast, _kusoyarou_-dono! Ha-HAAA!"

A table, chairs, vases, very _sharp _utensils, salt and pepper shakers, and --- BURNING MOLOTOV COCKTAILS! --- promptly crashing through the remaining unbroken windows on the third floor of the restaurant. His eyes nearly bulging out of their sockets from underneath the shadowed brim of his drooping fedora, Kisuke gave a fearful and most unmanly squeal before scampering out of the way. He made a slight note to backpedal quickly about a split-second later and grab the poor unconscious fellow on the pavement, dragging him out of harm's way too --- by the ankle.

He certainly did not want to be held responsible in a lawsuit for...

It was then that the former _shinigami_ spotted the odd little girl clad in a strangely familiar jacket standing in the street, _kunai_ in hand, with a dazed look. Putting two and two together, calculating his possible "malpractice" fines and fees for the lawyers, Urahara felt he made a very informed decision by tossing the Mist _chuunin_ (as he found out on second glance) aside into relative safety. In the man's stead, he deftly disarmed her with a gentle rap of Benihime, snatching up the waif of a girl in the crook of his arm before she could blink and kept running straight ahead.

...endangering a minor...

"_Geta_-_Boushi_!" cried another familiar voice from in front of him.

"Naruto?" Kisuke mumbled aloud, glancing up. Why was he running into all sorts of familiar faces? The next thing he knew he was going to find a pack of black cats waiting at his and Naruto's room back at the inn.

"_GETA_-_BOUSHI_!" the hyperactive blonde-haired boy at him, half in happiness and half in indignation, as Urahara tossed up his cane, caught it by his teeth, and snatched the boy up too in his remaining free hand.

...make that, endangering two minors and negligence. Oh no, it would not do at all in his book, and it was with this great motivation that he ran straight back to the inn like a green-black stripped bullet train, doing exactly all of the above. According to _Icha Icha_ Tactics, it was the most brilliant, wily maneuver he could have possibly used to evade any possible pursuit.

In Kisuke's expert opinion, whoever was writing these _Icha Icha_ novels was a bona fide genius, and a _man _(yes, only a man could have written such masculine wisdom) that he ought to meet in person one of these days!

* * *

Ironically, he once again neglected to use the stairs, and instead in a rare display of power that "wow'd" Naruto no doubt, he leapt all the way up to the third floor balcony of their room at the inn. All it took was a little controlled burst of _chakra_, quite the handy little property really, and he was off to soaring heights. _Chakra_ as it turns out was not terribly different from _reiatsu_, and Urahara was more than pleased to find that even a _faux_ body could generate and retain quite significant amounts of the wondrous inner energy.

However...

Cats...! Kisuke thought in alarm, suddenly stopping dead in his tracks, which he hoped did not cause the children too much discomfort.

There were dozens of them all over the place: on the bed, on the floors, on the coffee table, on the beds, in the closet, in the dresser, and even a few more poking out of the bathroom. They were all black "little kitties" with yellow eyes that nearly glowed in the presence of the artificial "electric" lights. Fascinating creatures really, and there were heck of a lot more of them than him too. Now, the important questions that remained to be asked were how they got in and who or what turned on the lights before he got back to the inn.

"_Cats_?" Naruto repeated, breaking the tenuous peace. "Why are there so many cats in our room, _Geta_-_Boushi_?"

The felines shrieked in near perfect unison at the (apparent) disturbance and came charging right in at him, fangs and all, leaving him helpless. Kisuke sweated. He was really tempted to repel them away using his sandal clad feet, but an old promise that he made to a very, _very_ special --- ahem! --- "lady" made him think twice.

This was going to hurt a lot.

"Think fast Naru-BRAGH!" he half managed to shout with _Benihime_ still in his mouth as he tossed the children up into the air, although it probably sounded more like, "Thrinrk frueast Nrguagh-BRAGH!".

The stampeding pack of cats bowled him over, trampling him underfoot in the ensuing cantankerous wave of fur and limbs. Naruto flailed indignantly through the air, landing by shear luck face-first onto the bed only to have the mysterious girl crash right down on top of him. Twin groans of defeat from the elder man and the younger boy signaled that neither of the two sole individuals who ran the Urahara Shop were up to protest against the fates.

Of the two bumbling convenience agents, however, Naruto was the first to recover.

"_Anou sa_, _Onee_-chan, could you please get off of-"

"NAAAAAAAAAAAAA-RUUUUUUUUUUUUU-TO!" Kisuke shouted aloud, bolting up right on a dime with a sudden revival of strength. How the heck he managed to recover so soon, marked up with countless paw prints and scratches, after being trampled by a hundred or so cats had to be a miracle of shear will power.

Either way, Naruto shuddered at the intensity of the older man's voice and blasted back his own heated reply: "AND WHAT THE HECK IS YOUR MALFUNCTION, _GETA_-_BOUSHI_!"

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT BRINGING A GIRL HOME?"

Pause.

"SAY WHAT?" Naruto screamed frenetically at the top of his lungs (which was no easy feat since the nameless girl was still sitting on his back). Of course, he sounded anything but manly, considering his voice was breaking and shrieking like a Miss Vanity who had just broken her favorite nail.

Kisuke was completely unfazed. In fact, proud manly tears of paternal joy were flowing from his eyes like waterfalls. He whipped out the one and only Urahara Shop "GRANDMASTER OWNER CEO PRESIDENT" fan in a single swift motion and --- _powerposed_. The hyperactive blonde-haired child prodigy swore he would forever be scared by the image of his "best friend, cousin, mentor, master, boss, brother, sister, mother, father figure guy" _powerposing_ proudly, pumping his cane into the air, just moments before his trousers came crashing down.

The nameless girl blinked. "Boxers --- boxers with --- black kittens?"

I'm going to kill him, if I don't die from embarrassment first! thought Naruto with a dark expression, his eyes flat with thinly repressed enmity. He was seriously wondering if it was _Geta_-_Boushi_'s purpose in life to embarrass him at the worst times possible.

The eternally unshaven man, who incidentally had little sense of shame, went laughing proudly right along without missing a beat, "_BWOAHAHAHHAHAHA_! A TRULY HIP RESPONSE, AS TO BE EXPECTED OF MY PROTEGE!"

Of course, he silently had to admit it did feel a touch drafty, and there must have been some cosmic connection of irony between his favorite boxers and the abrupt appearance of the black cats. For four and half years, he had successfully eluded his past, but why was it all of a sudden that that very thing was starting to catch up with him. At this rate, he was probably going to have a rather -- _ugly_ reunion with "That Woman."

"Darn it, _Geta_-_Boushi_," Naruto cursed at him vehemently, "Put your pants back on you closet, flagrant, super-freak, exhibitionist!"

Kisuke swooned with a girlish shriek! Yes, a girlish shriek, and Urahara Kisuke was swooning! "_Oooooooooooo_, Naruto-_chan_! You make me so proud. You're only four-"

"FOUR-AND-A-HALF!"

"-and-a-half-years-old, and I already you're tapping into your inherent prowess as a _CASANOVA_-"

"And don't call me '_Naruto-chan_' in front of _Onee_-chan! It's embarrassin' to hear that coming from a guy, you know!"

"-a _MAN_ among men that women and _GIRLS _all around loathe and love!"

"_GE-GETA_-_BOUSHI_, SH-SH-_SHUT YOUR MOUTH_, DANG IT!" Naruto wailed, cursing his --- whatever-person with every blushing, red-hot ounce of his being. It was simply amazing that his brain had not melted from shear embarrassment. Oh, he was going to make sure Kisuke _SLEPT_ with Taser-chan tonight. _Kukukukuku_!

The nameless girl for her two cents just sat (on the hyperactive boy genius's back) and watched.

"But more importantly, my adorable protégé," Kisuke paused, his merry baritone dropping an octave lower.

The blonde-haired boy braced himself...

...and braced himself...

...and braced himself up some more.

"Ummm, what's she doing here for?" the eternally unshaven man asked him sheepishly. "I mean, aren't you a little bit young to be getting involved-"

Naruto sweatdropped.

"DANG IT! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, YOU STUPID, STUPID, STUPID GROWN-UP!"

"Okay, okay, I get the picture! No need to (geez, I think my ears are starting to bleed) shout..."

"I HEARD THAT!"

Kisuke winced, dropping into a crouch as he did his best to cover his ears. "Ouch! All right, all right, I promise not to make another wisecrack."

"Look, it's those Mist ninjas, okay?"

"..._Shinobi_?"

"Yeah, they were after-"

"Excuse me, young miss, but could you please get off Naruto-kun? I believe we need to have a more serious conversation, as it's not particular proper to be talking to someone's backside."

"UWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh! _KISUKE_!"

* * *

After many death threats and much fussing later, Urahara Kisuke realized just how deep he was into a serious crisis. Naruto being Naruto, pure of heart and more stubborn than an infuriated cat on a bad day, had gone off and picked himself up a fugitive, an enemy of the state, a poor slip of a girl only a year or two older than him. In the process, he had incapacitated four highly professional Mist hunter-_nin_, none of whom ever saw his face, an impressive feat for a boy his age, but there was one _chuunin_ who had clearly seen his face. 

It was the same man Kisuke had landed on after an unnaturally pleased yet belligerent as always Zaraki Kenpachi had been so _kind_ to show him out the window. There was no telling if --- no --- when the man would come after him. Kenpachi was still here in this city that much he was certain of because the 11th Division Captain was never one to leave an assignment unfinished. Once business was taken care of, Zaraki-_taichou_ would undoubtedly be in hot pursuit.

They did not have much time at all to waste, but here they were nonetheless: a man, a boy, and a girl all sitting together on the floor in an official "round-table" meeting. With every second, his dream of raising Naruto in the relative peace of semi-anonymity grew dimmer and dimmer. It was highly possible that there next visit to the Water Country would be anything but pleasant as the proud _shinobi_ of the Hidden Mist Village were not likely to overlook such a seemingly small slight.

"So what's your plan then, Naruto-kun?" Kisuke asked his young protégé and surrogate son. He already knew what the answer would be and it would be worth a ton of headaches, certainly, as he glanced idly at the shabby dark-haired girl. She was staring at the floor, looking completely disinterested in the conversation, but oh --- the eternally unshaven man knew better.

Naruto huffed irritably, crossing his arms over his chest. "Well, duh! We're taking _Onee_-chan with us!"

"...um, Naruto-kun, you do-"

"Of course, I do! Did you think I didn't think things through at first, _Geta_-_Boushi_?"

"Naruto-kun, I perfectly understand the humanitarian side in this situation, but we can't just-"

"This is different, dang it!" shouted the hyperactive blonde vehemently, slamming his fist into floor.

The audible bang his left raised more than just Urahara's eyebrows in surprise. The nameless girl seemed to retract finally, just a little, from her self-imposed isolation. She glanced over at Naruto, her dark hollow eyes flickering with the barest hint of emotion. Kisuke could clearly perceive a question on the surface of those nearly black irises:

Why?

"Can't you feel it, _Aniki_?" Naruto asked him earnestly, dropping all pretenses together. It was not often that he addressed Kisuke simply as "Big Brother," and when he did, it was for a very serious purpose indeed.

The eternally unshaven man sighed and stripped off his drooping wide-brimmed hat, "Feel what, _Otouto_?"

Little Brother.

"Darn it, don't look with your eyes! Open your heart and reach out with it."

"Naruto..."

"Even you can feel it too; I know it! This girl, she's just like us, _Aniki_. No different at all."

"But Naru-"

"Listen to your heart, man! We've traveled together for almost five years now, and though we both hide that hollow emptiness well, there's something --- _missing_, K-Kisuke."

"Naruto...you're-"

"I'm not c-_crying_, darn it!" the trembling blonde-haired boy protested with a snarl. He rubbed furiously at the hot tears swelling up in his bright blue eyes, trying to hold them back.

For the first time in a long while, Urahara Kisuke was at a loss for words. He had never seen this side before in the boy he had taken under his own wing like family. Hell, Naruto was his family. The fated boy was his adorable son, his annoying little brother, and his amiable, mischievous colleague as well. They ran the business together, spent nearly every moment of their lives together, and yet, he had never seen Naruto cry --- for themselves ever.

"_Aniki_, all we have --- is each other. We don't have a home: somewhere to go back to like everyone else, or even someone to welcome us back. The road is all we know. I'm your son, your little brother, and your annoying co-worker at work. You're my father, my brother, my teacher, and my annoying boss at work."

Ah, so young, but Naruto can already see these things, huh? He's such a lively, rambunctious boy that I never did notice how much he had really matured.

"But there's still something missing, _Aniki_! We --- we're not _whole_ like the other people. There's a big gaping hole that's been growing inside us for years."

"A gaping hole?" He couldn't mean...

"Where's my mother? Where's the woman who should be your wife, Kisuke? The woman who should be nagging at us for not doing our jobs properly, staying up late at night, and coming home in a mess when she's been worried sick about us over dinner."

"Na-Naruto!"

"Where's my sister? Where's the girl who should be your daughter, Kisuke? The girl you can dote upon, spoil her silly, and be really protective of her, arguing with _Kaa_-chan that you really didn't mean to crash _Nee_-chan's first date and set fire to her boyfriend's pants when you thought he was doing something totally un-gentlemanly."

Kisuke spluttered incoherently, and for the first time ever in _centuries_, the ex-_shinigami_ --- _blushed_. Urahara Kisuke was a man who had once been feared, revered, and jeered all over Soul Society had never, ever _blushed_. Not even when the famed heiress of the House of Shihouin had turned her succinct charms at full blast on him had he been fazed. In fact, he had been a perfect gentleman about it, turning the tables on her instead.

Hell, even Benihime's invitations to her private --- and boy, were they private! --- "tea ceremonies" had no affect on him. It was not as if he had no interest in women, but his lack thereof shame had rendered scandal, seduction, and nudity utterly ineffective on him. Oh, if he wanted a woman, he would work and woo as long as he needed to win her affection. No act of love in the noble purpose of courtship was too absurd for Urahara Kisuke.

But sure enough, one Uzumaki Naruto, a slip of boy only four and a half-years-old, had succeeded where countless others had failed!

"_B-Baka_! What're you-"

"A store isn't complete without the owner, the mangers, and the employees. The same kind of philosophy can also go for a family too, _Aniki_," Naruto laughed jovially with a bright grin. "I can't explain it. This feeling. But when I look at you all, it just feels right."

"Huh?"

"We're all the same: _Onee_-chan, you, me. We're all missing pieces, we all have the same eyes, and I know --- I just know she's a part of us that we've been missing all along. Something we've been searching for without even realizing it."

A family.

Urahara Kisuke was thunderstruck.

"Please, _Aniki_, we have to take her with us! I --- I don't think we'd be able to go on without her now that I've said what I've said..."

Everything has changed, has it not?

Kisuke looked up at the boy, his silvery eyes gleaming ever so slightly with a solemn light. There was only one thing left to do, he supposed.

"So what's her name?"

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

After much time and compensation, chapter 5 is here! There's a change in the air. Kisuke's thunderstruck! Is our beloved Sandal Hat, the eternal youth in a man's body, growing up? It can't be possible! And just where the heck do we go from here?

Thoughts! Reviews! Whatever, maybe we'll find out on the next episode of Mr. Nice Guy!

Thank you all for tuning in and leaving your thoughts for _moi_. Don't worry we'll get to everyone else eventually, and now that I've done this, I wonder if Urahara Kisuke just became the world's most eligible bachelor? Mwahahah!

Remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, BLEACH is a creation of Kubo Tite, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk. Multiple pairings inside folks, with UraharaxYoruichi (maybe a Soi FongxUraharaxYoruichi three way?) to name one, but I ain't gonna give away who will be the gal who gets Naruto's heart just yet! w00t, for Fem-Haku! You never know what you're going to get so read on (I might even do some alternative stuff, if you know what I mean).

* * *

How to be a Mr. Nice Guy

_Ore no_ _Nindo_ / My Way of the Ninja is...

Chapter 06:

My Name?

A Naruto-BLEACH fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Her dark haggard eyes widened in bewildered astonishment at the blonde-haired boy, his bright hair like the rays of the sun, and the blonde-haired man, his pale hair like straw swaying in the fields. With a joyful laugh, the boy, Naruto, exploded , tackling the man in an embrace that sent him squarely on his back. He sang praises all the while nuzzling the man, Kisuke, unmercifully while the older man protested loudly, saying this was a "FATALY UNMANLY" thing to be doing in front of a girl.

She could not understand it. Why were they so happy? Why were they taking her with them? Why were they so happy to take her with them? Why did he save her? Why did this man accept her finally? Why? Why? Why?

None of it made any sense. How could they all have the same eyes? How could they even be remotely alike? It was impossible, unbelievable. She was a monster. She had _killed_ so many...

Mother.

Father.

It was all my fault, so _why_? Why are they so happy? Did they want to use me? Did they want to do terrible things to me too? Why? Why? Why?

Suddenly, the world came rushing back to her. Warm; the small lightly calloused hands gently clasping her own filthy hands, stained with the blood of those she had killed. Even though he was a boy, his hands were smaller than hers, and yet, something so small was so --- warm. She could feel it piercing through the cold, her body sat inert as her dark eyes began to moisten and tremble, staring into his wide blue eyes.

"See! See! I knew everything would work out, _Onee_-chan," Naruto chirped excitedly with a toothy smile. "He might not look that reliable, but..."

"Hey! I'm right here, you know!" the eternal unshaven man snapped in reply.

"...but when it counts, _Geta_-_Boushi_ is the MAN!"

"_Hora_, enough with the praises already, Naruto-kun." As much as I like to hear them, we don't have much time to lolly gagging around right now.

"Okay, okay, if you say so," the boy grinned back before turning his attention back on the mysterious girl. "All right, so what's your --- name, _Onee_-chan?"

Naruto was sweating bullets, his back stiffening, as he finally realized what was happening right in front of him. The girl: she was crying, and there was this overwhelming, black-and-blue sadness just coming off her. He did not know what to do or what to say. Kisuke had never prepared him for a situation like this, and he had the distinctive sinking feeling that the son of a gun had just left him alone to deal with it too. Blast it; he was going to have to play this on his guts.

"_Oi_, what's wrong? Why are you crying, _Nee_-chan?" he asked her, making no effort to let go of her hands. Instead, the hyperactive blonde-haired genius did the exact opposite and shifted closer, so that their noses were just centimeters apart. He really hoped this little awkwardness was not going to get him killed.

She gasped, visibly stricken with the seemingly absurd act that he would even dare approach her. Her heart raced and her mind raged with basic instinct, fight or flight, and for the first time in a long time, she felt fear, but this was different too. It was hot, blinding white-hot, setting her veins, her entire body on fire. She had to get away from this boy. She could not fight him. He was weird, crazy, anything! She had to get away from him!

However, before she could flee, the blonde-haired boy must have sensed her distress as he moved in...

The nameless girl screamed at the top of her lungs, a terrible terrifying wail!

...and embraced her, and he was not going to let go.

Naruto winced at the piercing pitch of the girl's screams. She was not physically struggling against him, but she sure as heck could scream! He hoped he was not going to go deaf from this, and their real first day together had not even started yet. They still needed to give her a bath, pick out new clothes for her, get her a hair cut, get new gear together for her, start her training, and do all these other things, though not necessarily all of what he just mentioned in that order. Of course, the bath would definitely have to come first.

Steeling his resolve, he weathered her screams as best as he could, never letting go of her for a second. It would be awkward if the other present customers in the inn or the inn's staff came barging through the door, but even then he was not going to let go. This was his big sister for Pete's sake, and they were going to get through this together whether she liked or not!

After a while, her screams began to recede, the sudden strength in her voice degenerating into pitiful broken sobs. His ears were not being assaulted anymore, but Naruto felt just like a jerk, with a ringing headache too. Again, he cursed Kisuke for ditching him, but the best thing to do in this situation he supposed, was to go with his gut instincts. If they got him here, then could certainly get him out of this mess too.

"_Oi_, Nee-chan, what's wrong?" Naruto asked her. He winced a little when he felt the "hot" tears soak into his shoulder, stinging oddly enough like freezing cold ice. The energetic blonde-haired genius dared not look, but he had a sinking feeling that the girl's tears were freezing the moment they came in contact with him.

Her reply was stilted, a husky whisper that he just managed to decipher, "Wh-Why? ...What do you want --- from me? Eyes. Those eyes aren't..."

"They are."

"No."

"We're all broken inside. Me. Kisuke. You. We're the same."

"No..."

He hugged her a little closer. "There; can you feel that?"

"I --- I can't feel --- anything."

"You're lying, you know. People who really can't feel anything at all don't cry because they don't want it means to cry. You --- I know you can hear the beat of my heart, _Nee_-chan."

"..._warm_..."

"You don't have to tell me or _Geta_-_Boushi_ what happened. It's been almost five years now --- well, it will be soon enough, I guess --- and he still knows more about me than I do. He always says I'm too young, maybe next year."

"Too young?" she replied, a sliver of life seeping into her soft voice.

"My past, of course. Where I was born, who my parents are, what was my hometown like, why don't I live there now, do I have any siblings... All that stuff and more. I don't know, but I know _Geta_-_Boushi_ knows, and he's holding back on me, just like he's holding back on his past too."

"'_Sandal Hat_'? Your past? His past?"

"Yup, we do look like we're really close, but even we have secrets. Things we don't know about each other."

"...secrets..."

"But it's okay, _Nee_-chan. You don't need to tell us what happened right away, the same goes for _Geta_-_Boushi_ too. Truth is, I can wait forever if I have to as long as I can be with you both. Not everybody can talk about what really hurts, but that's all right too because thanks to you two, I don't have anymore secrets!"

She blinked. "What?"

"That's right, I just told you both my biggest secret! And other than what _Geta_-_Boushi_ has left with him, that's all I have! Isn't that great?" He laughed happily, holding her just a little closer. "It's painful to be alone, to be forgotten, to have no home --- you know...that's my secret."

"...pain," the girl murmured, softer than a whisper carried by the wind.

It was then Naruto noticed a peculiar change in the air. Glancing behind him through the open doors to the balcony, he saw white. A veil of snow was falling, drifting and swirling through the air like the waves on the sea. Of course, he had never actually seen the ocean, but Kisuke had told him about it many times, and had promised to take him to see the ocean some day soon when the thought struck him that his protégé had never seen the ocean. Then the man became disturbingly giddy, literally dancing across the road in a freakish waltz, as he raved about the beach, the white sands, the clear blue sky like a reflection of the sea, and the tanned, beautiful scantily clad women in bikinis!

I have no idea what he's talking about, but it probably has something to do with the _Icha Icha Paradise_ book he likes so much, the blonde-haired convenience agent pondered thoughtfully, before his expression dropped visibly with a frown. Then again, maybe _Geta_-_Boushi_'s just talking about an adult thing-!

Naruto froze, his thoughts derailing like a screaming train. It was interesting invention he saw once when Kisuke and he had been traveling far, far away in the West. He could not remember what it was exactly since he was only two something years old, but it sure steamed, puffed, and made a whole lot of noise. It was magnificent!

He had never seen a train wreck either, but he supposed this was the perfect metaphor for his present situation.

Well...

...actually, it was kind of nice, although seriously unexpected.

For the first time ever, this girl --- no --- his new big sister was hugging him! It was unbelievable; this electric feeling of joy and happiness. She had accepted him, and maybe even in time, she would accept Kisuke too. It was unbelievable, absolutely unbelievable. His heart was filling to the brim, like it was going to ignite.

"Eureka!" Naruto cried happily. He nuzzled his cheek affectionately against her, earning a gasp of surprise for his own efforts, as he held her close.

"N-Naruto!"

"_Hora_, I'm your little brother now! At least you should give me a cute nickname like '_Naruto_-_kun_', '_Naru_-_kun_,' or '_Naruto_-_chan_'... I did NOT just say '_Naruto_-_chan_', did I?"

"Na-ru-to-chan?"

Naruto sighed, his face falling with expressed defeat. "Fine, you can call me that too... WAIT, I mean! You can call me that if you want, but I'm still not letting _Geta_-_Boushi_ say it! It's not the sort of thing another man should be saying to another man, unless they're asking for --- _Taser_-chan, _kukukukuku_ --- where it HURTS."

"All...right, Naru-to-chan..." she agreed hesitantly, still unused to apparently using her own voice.

"So what's your name, _Onee_-chan?"

Silence.

She sighed, almost seemingly melting into his embrace against him, as the snow outside began to blizzard with a howl. Naruto did not know how to explain it, even with the help of his superb analytical prowess as Kisuke oft praised, although it was nowhere near the guile of Urahara Shop's owner. His simple suspicion was backed only by gut instinct, and he had the distinctive feeling that his new big sister was responsible: the freezing tears, the way she must have dispatched the Mist hunter _nin_, and vice-versa.

It made him understand another reason they might have been pursuing her. She was powerful, and if the Hidden Village of the Mist could not use her because of their literal views, then they would most certainly not allow her to fall into anyone else's hands. Cruel, efficient: he could only wonder what had happened to her family.

"I --- I can't remember, anymore," the older girl whispered to him tiredly. "I don't want to --- remember. That's why --- I don't have a name. Monster, _abom_-_in_-nation, devil, demon; that's all I know..."

Naruto frowned, hugging her protectively, "Well, I'm _NOT_ going to call my _Onee_-chan any of that! Never. EVER."

"...Na-ru...to..."

"And since you don't have a name, I guess I'll just have to give you a new one, won't I?"

"_Unn_..."

"Let's see, how about..." the blonde-haired boy drifted off thoughtfully, glancing between the white scene outside and the dark-haired girl he now called his big sister. He racked his creative dynamo for the words he wanted, the inspiration already set in front of him. Yes, if only he could get the words...

_haku_ for white.

_yuki_ for snow.

_hime_ for princess.

Ah, this will do just nicely!

"I got it! How about _Yukihime Haku_?" Naruto suggested to her with great enthusiasm, pulling away enough just so he could read his big sister's expression.

"Yuki-hime...Haku..." the dark-haired girl repeated reluctantly.

"Yeah, like Snow White?"

"'_Snow White_'?"

"Uh, sorry, I meant _Shirayukihime_. You know the story, don't you? If you don't I could certainly tell the western version of the story at least. I did hear the story first in the West and then came back here and heard about _Shirayukihime_."

"But...I'm not a-"

"Hey, you can say you're not one, but you're every bit worth it to me, _Nee_-chan! Even Kisuke would feel the same once he gets to know you, or heck, maybe he already does."

"...really, Na-ru-to-_chan_?"

"Heh-hehe, of course! And I'm sure with a bath, some new clothes, and a fashion makeover, you'll put all the other girls to shame. I can tell, and even _Geta_-_Boushi_ says I have an eye for it. Haku-neechan, you're going to be the most beautiful princess --- shoot, scratch that --- the most beautiful _woman_ ever!"

For the first time ever, Naruto saw "Haku" smile. It was a small one, just the faintest upturn of the corners of her chapped lips, but it was still a smile, and nothing could compare to the gratitude and ardor he saw in her eyes. The dark haze in them had lifted. No longer was she an animal, prey and predator rolled into one, as the irises of her dark eyes regained a glimmer of dark blue. It was a small step but a big one too.

Watching carefully from the slightly cracked open closet, Kisuke could not help but smile himself as his newest charge all but tackled her new little brother to the floor, nuzzling him near to death with affection. It was the biggest sign of approval she could have given, and in a way, he grew more impressed with the incomprehensible compassion vested in his surrogate son. To be able to tame the beast in another's heart, and to call back the human being that lay slumbering deep beneath the many folds of oblivion and despair was no easy feat.

Naruto, of course, was busy yelping and squealing in an effort to save himself from being lovingly smothered to death.

"'_Yukihime Haku_,' huh? It's a good name, Naruto," Kisuke nodded approvingly, "A good name, indeed."

Now, if only he could figure out a way to channel that empathy into "MAD Casanova Gigolo Powers," then his protégé (and in effect himself) would surpass the greatness of _Icha Icha Paradise_!

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Here it is; here it is! Chapter 6 is here! Feel the power of WAFFyness! Looks, like we got a new member to the family, folks, and the investment prospects are looking brighter for Urahara_ Shoten_. The world lays at large, but could all this cheeriness be the calm before the storm? Do I hear a buzzing bumble bee and a "BWO-HAHAHAHAHAH!" around the corner? More cats?

Thoughts! Reviews! Whatever, maybe we'll find out on the next episode of Mr. Nice Guy!

Thank you all for tuning in and leaving your thoughts for _moi_. Remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	7. Chapter 7

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, BLEACH is a creation of Kubo Tite, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk. Multiple pairings inside folks, with UraharaxYoruichi (maybe a Soi FongxUraharaxYoruichi three way?) to name one, but I ain't gonna give away who will be the gal who gets Naruto's heart just yet! w00t, for Fem-Haku! You never know what you're going to get so read on (I might even do some alternative stuff, if you know what I mean).

* * *

How to be a Mr. Nice Guy

_Ore no_ _Nindo_ / My Way of the Ninja is...

Chapter 07:

Two Years

A Naruto-BLEACH fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

Two years flew by in the blink of a tear and a laugh for Urahara _Shoten_. The business had grown by plus one, a much needed boost to the previous glaring lack thereof female employees to balance out the gross surge in male testosterone. Naruto was now six and a half years old, and if possible, he had become even more loud and rambunctious vying daily for the title of "The World's Number #1 Loudest and Proudest Hyperactive Genius Inventor Little Brother." Urahara Kisuke was Kisuke Urashara. He never did say when his birthday was, but he still loved to laze around in the back of Urahara Shop's Man-Portable Deluxe H.C.L. Cart (now upgraded to the Series Type-03 with a patent pending), and throw massive parties every New Years Eve.

Why he did it? Nobody ever asked and never expected a reply. Besides, it was the end of a long hard year's work, and it was good excuse as any to go howling mad for one day with the rest of the town.

The biggest change, of course, was Haku. She was now seven and a half years old, still on the shy side of things, but she was working on it. Naruto had a big sister, and although their roles tended to reverse rather often, he did not mind in the slightest. Sandal Hat was probably the hardest hit with the new life, although he hid it pretty darn well by going out late at night and howling like a wolf at thefull moon, while dancing "The Moonwalker" in "Electric Slide Reversi." The fact of the matter came down to these simple facts really:

1. Urahara Kisuke had a daughter (surrogate or not does not matter).

2. Urahara Shop had a brand new employee.

3. The said employee was in fact very diligent, hard working, and had a decidedly feminine spark for aesthetics, beauty, and ultra user-friendly functionality in new inventions.

4. The new employee was his new extra convenience agent, seamstress-in-training, medic-in-training, soon-to-be inventor extraordinaire, gourmet chef-in-training, and "Pop Goddess Icon"-in-training as Naruto liked to put it because he absolutely hated the concept that she was simply referred to as the Company Mascot.

5. Of course, now that they had a company mascot, he had to learn the fundamentals of advertising, photography, editing, directing, costume design, being a producer, and a ton of other things that really required another body to do.

6. Naruto was more than happy to fill in for make-up, but did not want to touch anything else.

7. Haku was also a highly valuable asset in the field of finances, as she had naturally taken up the dreaded role of accountant with her naturally solicitous and concerned bedside manner.

8. She even addressed him with a highly respectful "_Otou_-_sama_" when they were not on the job, while switching to a more formal "_Tenchou_-_dono_" at work.

9. It brought tears to his eyes nearly every time he heard it.

10. She was so much more well-mannered, graceful, and organized compared to a certain hyperactive blonde-haired genius.

11. She had even come up with the new Series classification system to help categorize and organize all their products old and new.

12. Urahara Kisuke had a daughter.

Like any good bachelor and/or surrogate father figure, he was now scared SHI-MEOW!-LESS at night, and whenever they went into town, with him either behaving like the perfect gentleman or misbehaving like an immature delinquent (either way did not really matter), he noticed women were starting to pay more attention to him. It was like suddenly he had become the object worthy of attention by the female species from ages "Do NOT touch that virgin POO-NANY!" and up. Even "OLDER, ANCIENT" ladies liked him more, trying to introduce him to their daughters, and _that_ left him scarred for life, not to mention scared SHI-MEOW!-LESS during the day!

Yes, the great Urahara Kisuke, the eternal bachelor, President and CEO of Urahara _Shoten_, the sublime guardian of two, and former _shinigami_ has reduced to the likes of a coat or some other clothing related metaphor in the desiring eyes of women. He had become a commodity, a product to be bought and sold on the animalistic (or was it humanistic?) basis of want and/or need. It was terrible, a sad, sad day in the history of Urahara Kisuke surely. Heck, even his occasional drinking buddies, "homies on the streets," and "gangstas from the hood" eyed at him enviously with great jealously. Most of them did not want to hang out with him anymore, while others were already putting up betting pools to see how long it would take for some broad to put "a saddle and bridle" on him.

His only consolation prize was that one day, some day, or whenever --- Naruto was going to figure out the difference between boys and girls. He was going to learn why he should not be bathing with his dear beloved big sister in the nude, seeing to her every want and need without even asking (or her realizing), as he saw to it that her growing beauty was assured. He and Kisuke had argued for hours back and forth at the seamstress, the barber, and the beautician until the latter parties got involved themselves and all Hell seemed to break loose over one then five-something-year-old girl, who was busy trying to not blush to death.

Oh yes, Urahara Kisuke could not wait for the day to see his diabolical dream come true and watch his protégé fold up, screw up, turn all seven shades of the rainbow, and dig himself a hole to hide in, praying that God would strike him dead out of mortification. Sure, they were not related by blood in the slightest, so in a way it would be like he was just checking up on his future fiancé or girlfriend. However, it would still be a moment of penultimate hilarity worthy to be recorded in the annals of all human history, and he would see to it that it was featured in the next exciting volume of the _Icha Icha_ series!

He could see the headline now: "The Triste and Misadventures of the Young Lovers --- Childhood Friends, Brother and Sister United Not By Blood --- But Love In Its Purest Form --- And He Had No Idea About The Difference Between Man and Woman --- But OH! GREAT! --- He Found Out One Day ALL RIGHT!"

"BWO! BWHO!" Kisuke chuckled with great villainy at work. His shoulders quivered unnaturally, before he threw his head back into a full blown "Evil Laugh!" (TM) for all to tremble in his presence. "BWO-AHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA-EHEHHE-AHAHHAHAHAHA!"

"Otou-sama's doing it again, Naruto-chan," she whispered to him softly, while discreetly tugging on the sleeve of his T-shirt. To the outside observer, it must have been a pretty cute gesture, but in reality, it was a clear sign that his big sister was a touch --- uneasy about the situation.

"MWAHAHAHAHA-OOHHHH-AHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!"

Naruto glared lightning bolts into the back of his surrogate father, his right brow twitching visibly in irritation. "I **know**. I swear to Kami-sama he's been screwed up in the head like this ever since that night. Talk about a guy who doesn't know how to deal with his own issues."

"EHEHEHEHEHHE-YEAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAH-MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"So is it --- my fault then, Na-Naruto-chan?" She held onto his sleeve a little tighter.

"GYAHAHAHAHHA-YES-EHHAHAHAHHAHAH-OOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHO!"

"Nahhh, he loves you to death and you know it, Haku-neechan. _Geta_-_Boushi_'s always wondering what he should buy next for you, or ---as he puts it, if some villain's gonna holler out and steal you away from us. He'd die of heartbreak, if that ever happened...oh great, he's doing the fan thing."

"HUAGH-LADEEDAH-OOOOHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!"

"_Arigatou_, Naruto-chan. You always seem to know what to say to cheer me up."

"GO-KISUKE-IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY-BWOHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-ha!"

"Of course, Nee-chan, and don't say you're a bother either. ...Geezus, can I _please_ use Taser-chan on him already? People are staring, you know!"

"I'M-DA-MAN! MWAHAHHAHAHAHA-EHEHEHHE-AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! WHO'S BAD? I'M BAD, YO!"

"Well..._etou_, I guess, it couldn't hurt."

"Woohoo! You're going to love this, _O_-_Nee_-_chan_! I made some sweet upgrades to the Series-05B."

"Series-05B, so soon?"

"Hehehe, she's like my baby. Here, watch this!"

"WHO'S YOUR DADDY? HA-"

VHMM-_BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT_!

"-OHRORYRRYAYAYYAYRYAYAYHAGHAHAGHALBERLURURURURURUGRHRHHAHAHGHAH-poof...?"

A noticeably charred, smoking black Urahara Kisuke dropped like a rock into the middle of the street with a thud. The crowd, the women, the children, the men all stared agape in a mixture of awe and shocking shock. No words could describe the pregnant poise in the electrified air as Naruto casually flicked the reverse switch, rapidly reeling in the miniature arrestor hooks that had bit into Sandal Hat's rear just moments ago to deliver a positively devastating "charge." He had the distinct feeling his surrogate father, mentor, boss, and brother figure would not be able to sit right for a while after receiving the electroshock treatment straight to his gluteus maximus.

Life was good.

Haku sweatdropped and blushed in embarrassment, waving her hands evasively in a rather endearing manner, as she squeaked some flustered explanations to the by-standers.

And Kisuke could be heard subtly swearing his revenge.

Oh yes, life better than good --- it was freaking awesome!

* * *

Today was seemingly like any other day since she had come to live with Naruto and Kisuke: another road, another town, and another day full of possibility and the unexpected. Haku could never recall a truly boring moment with these two, and in a way, it was a blessing and a curse. Trying to find a moment to sit down and relax after the day's events, as their liable to be an emergency at any time. Those two literally burned themselves out every day, and in return, she would see to them in the evening. It was a cycle that bizarrely paralleled day and night, the sun and the moon, and many other things she had learned along the way. 

There were still secrets, of course, amongst them. Urahara Kisuke was her father, her big brother, her uncle, her mentor, her guardian, and her boss all rolled into one. It was a complex relationship shrouded in smoke and mirrors, much like Naruto's connection with the older man. She still did not know much about him, and even her "little brother" did not know much, despite of having been raised personally by the man since his birth. He was an expert at changing the subject, controlling the flow of dialogue, and going as far to manipulate people's emotions. Her father was frightening like that, and she never could get the silvery look of his eyes gleaming in the moonlight out of her head.

Still, by his actions, she resolved to believe he was good man. Never had she seen or heard him do any wrong because in his hidden heart: principle and feelings were more important than just mere necessity and reason. In one of their rare moments together, a kind of father-daughter bonding "thing" that Naruto had insisted on vehemently, he had told her quite simply that human beings were just bags flesh and blood. If she burst one, of course, they would die. Strip them of their feelings: the will to live, and they would become no better than trash. Strip them of their principles: the desire to struggle and do what is truly right, and they would become demons.

She was not sure if she understood all of it, but Haku reasoned it was good sense. After all, she had seen something just like it happen --- once. She never wanted to see it again.

Kisuke certainly had the most secrets, and in fact, it was probably better to call the Keeper of Secrets. He told next to nothing of himself and held onto all the secrets of others, including Naruto. Her brother had grown over the years, a little taller certainly and impossibly happier. He and Sandal Hat constantly showered her with indescribable love that sometimes she did not know how to repay them. The energetic blonde-haired boy insisted what she was doing now for their sake was more than enough thanks, to love them in return was the greatest gift she could give.

Well, Haku did not know what to say to be honest. He was an incorrigibly blunt and straight forward boy, and it did comfort her to be near him. Kisuke would chuckle aloud every time he caught her tugging on Naruto's sleeve. She would blush and then her brother would whirl about face, his bright blue eyes shining brilliantly as he flashed what he had coined "The Mr. Nice Guy" pose to assure her everything would be all right. His confidence was infectious, and some day, she hoped she would be able to work up the courage to ask why he had those whiskers on his face.

They were quite adorable from what she had heard from the occasional passing village woman, and she too found them --- cute.

Yes, today was seemingly like any other day, and the road had brought them to the northeast, far deep into the Lightning Country to a "little" safe haven called Karakura Town. Contrary to its name, Karakura Town was actually a sizeable city complete with a suburb and all the modern necessities a growing metropolis would need. It was also one of the few places in the nearly perpetual cloud stricken, thunder roaring, lightning striking, and rain soaked plateau of the Lightning Country. Not a single day had gone by in her memory since she set foot in this country where one if not all of the above weather conditions had not occurred in the same day.

It was for this very refuge underneath clear blue skies in the bright summer day that they sought out the outdoor seating of a cozy restaurant. Kisuke was laid out lazily on the adjoining bench to their table, largely recovered from his shocking experience earlier, but using this as an excuse as any to slack off. There was Naruto seated from across her digging into a huge bowl of his favorite ramen, _o_-_shiruko_ (sweet red-been soup), while she contented herself with some green tea.

Of course, Haku could not help but giggle at the sight of the blonde-haired boy trying to eat with a little more reserved gusto than usual. He must have sensed clearly the rare calm that had settled over the gathered members of Urahara _Shoten_, while their hefty travel bags remained safely tucked away underneath the table. It was a pre-caution not so much to protect themselves but for the poor unsuspecting thieves who had no clue that they were about to set off the equivalent of about three hundred thousand volts (per bag).

The end result would not be pretty in the slightest.

"I can't believe it's _niiiii_-ne in the morning only," the eternally unshaven man murmured audibly over the soothing calm of the nearby river.

Haku stiffled a giggle for the sake of her adopted father. He never really was much of a morning person. In a way, he was just like a cat, preferring to spend his morning indoors, lazing away in the rising sun. It was also the complete opposite behavior of her little brother.

"Geez, _Geta_-_Boushi_, you're always super, uncool, lame-o lazy in the morning," Naruto huffed, throwing an accusing sidelong glance at the older man. "You should learn to live life with more effort, give it a hundred-twenty percent every moment, or otherwise --- we're really going to have to start calling you 'Kisuke-_O-JI-SAN_' instead."

Twitch.

"I'm not _that_ old-"

"_Ara_-_ara_, that's enough teasing Otou-sama for this morning, Naruto-chan."

Instantly, Kisuke seemed to light up like a Christmas tree complete with a sparkling aura full of paternal pride and joy that his dear daughter was stepping up to his defense. Nevermind all the other heart attacks she's given me because it feels so good to be me right now!

Aw, darn it. Haku-neechan just stepped up to the plate, Naruto wrinkled his nose in distaste, knowing fully well there was no way he could go against his big sister.

"Besides, you wouldn't want to owe him twice in the same day, do you?"

"Owe him twice?"

"Hmmmm, hm!" I love you, Haku-chan! You're the best daughter a father could ask for!

"Don't you remember what happened the last time you pranked him twice in the same day? As I recall..."

The hyperactive blonde-haired genius paled as the terrible memory finally dawned on him, making his jaw drop. Suddenly, the air behind him turned black and blue complete with gnarly squiggly lines of doom. Oh yes, now he remembered _clearly_ because that particular day had _not_ been a particularly pleasant evening for Uzumaki Naruto.

"SO! HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR OUTFIT TODAY, HAKU-ONEECHAN?" he beamed in a unnaturally loud voice, sending the morning birds scattering in a hurried flutter. Incidentally, being terrifyingly loud was Naruto's perfect natural defense mechanism. Few people could withstand the power of his voice at full blast, including one Urahara Kisuke who had promptly curled up into a ball to shield his sensitive ears.

Haku sweatdropped. "Well..."

She gave herself a quick once over. It seemed after much arguing and badgering as usual, Naruto and Kisuke had compromised on the "Sporty" look: loose khaki trousers, a high-collared utility vest with Urahara Shop's signature emblem on the back, a dark blue tank, and oddly enough --- steel toed combat boots. The latter was a strange choice, but with her long glossy raven hair down, which her brother had automatically dubbed one of the Wonders of the World...

Of course, he also insisted it was not black in the slightest, but a shade of dark blue if one were to peer closely enough, just like her eyes.

...Haku supposed it was at least a little bit less intimidating.

"I love it, Naruto-chan," she replied frankly with a smile. After having living with them so long, she fully understood that Naruto and Kisuke did not pick out her clothes on a whim. They bickered constantly on a daily battle over aesthetics and functionality, form versus function, when the solution to problem was simply just "form follows function."

The blonde-haired boy grinned proudly. It was moments like these he lived for and...

"OwOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOWO!"

"Al-right, NA-ru-to-_chan_, it's time for work," the infamous eternally unshaven man appeared out of nowhere, shattering his wondrous daydream with a sharp tug to his ear!

Curse that man, and he was getting to good part too. Naruto sighed wistfully and complied with an unenthusiastic "_Hai-Hai_, _Tenchou_...", slurping down the rest of his ramen in a singular superhuman feat of eating, before bending down to retrieve his and Sandal Hat's backpacks. This was so totally a drag, and when Kisuke finally paid him back, he was going to get right back at him for this "super lameness."

"Oh, you're leaving already?" Haku asked, a touch surprised by the abruptness of her father's --- no --- her boss's announcement. She was not sure if work and home should be two separate things, but for the sake of propriety, she adjusted swiftly. "_Tencho_u-dono?"

Kisuke laughed. "Yup-yup, I got a long day ahead, and I'm not going to leave my number one troublemaker agent..."

"Hey, I'm standing right here, you know, _Jiji_!" Naruto squawked indignantly.

"...see what I mean?"

"_Anou_ --- I think so."

"Argh, whatever! I'll prove it that I've still got what it takes to be the No. 1 Convenience Agent in the world! Just you watch!" With this said, Naruto took off like a yellow-orange blur towards the bridge that served as a crossing over the riverbank. "Smell ya later, _Geta_-_Boushi_, NYA-NAH!"

"Look, there he goes again, taking off without even saying good-"

"He doesn't have to say goodbye, if he's going to come back home, _Tenchou_-dono," Haku interjected respectfully.

The former _shinigami_ blinked, not quite believing he was hearing such words from a girl so young. "Wha?"

"Think about it, _Tenchou_-dono. Goodbye is for farewell, right? But, if you're not leaving, you don't have to say goodbye."

"Hm, by Eureka! --- you might just be on to something, Haku-chan," he laughed proudly, patting her on the shoulder. Urahara seemed to relax visibly now that he understood a little better, and she beamed at his praise, happy to have perhaps brought some peace of mind to him.

"Well then, you go ahead and stick around here. I get the feeling something interesting might be coming along soon..."

"Something --- interesting?"

"Yeah, call it a businessman's intuition. I can smell an opportunity in the air from a kilometer away, and that's no joke!"

"_Hai_, _Tenchou_-dono."

"Besides, I think those kids playing by the riverbank might need a little medical attention..."

There was an ear-splitting thwack, and on cue, a rousing wail of pain went up into the air. Haku saw one of the waitresses duck her head outside for a moment to survey the scene, shaking her head admonishingly, before retreating back within again. Needless to say, she was surprised by the accuracy of her father's words.

"...about now."

"Otou-sama!" she called out to him impulsively as he began to amble away casually. The raven-haired girl did not even realize her slip of the tongue in the heat of the moment.

Kisuke's reply was swift and jolly, "Don't think too much about it. If somebody needs some serious help or you get a gut feeling, just act. You're old enough now, and I got plenty of faith in you after that pep talk. Now, if you'll excuse, I gotta go catch up with that brilliant twerp, Naruto! He even stole my stuff with him too. See ya later, Haku-chan!"

He was gone like a green man in a dead run, kicking up a huge cloud in his wake from his tailwind. She was on her own for the foreseeable rest of the day. The bill was paid, the patrons inside were starting to get antsy, and whoever it was down by the riverbank was still bawling there lights out.

Yes, this was certainly the fantastic start of another new day!

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Yes, we're in Karakura Town! For the Win and l33t! This is also probably the longest chapter I've ever written, and I pray the last because I really do prefer the faster pace and release from my shorter chapters. The character development for the new Urahara Shop family turned to be heckuva lot bigger than I realized. Still, I think crammed in enough WAFF and Comedy to balance out the drama.

More importantly...

Just WHEN will Urahara get hitched? He's a wanted man, all right! Are we going to have more Bleach characters finally? Are we going to see a Hollow? Do we get a Chibi Ichigo? How about a Karate Tatsuki? Will the kids ever receive any kind of formal ninja, shinobi, shinigami, or whatever the heck training? Can they even become Genin at this rate? There's only around five years left before the normal Naruto cannon will be catching up!

Thoughts! Reviews! Whatever, maybe we'll find out on the next episode of Mr. Nice Guy!

Thank you all for tuning in and leaving your thoughts for _moi_. The reviews are great "Food for Thought" and quite frankly I had almost forgotten about Zabuza. Not sure what to do with him, but I'll figure something out. Remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	8. Chapter 8

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, BLEACH is a creation of Kubo Tite, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk. Multiple pairings inside folks, with UraharaxYoruichi (maybe a Soi FongxUraharaxYoruichi three way?) to name one, but I ain't gonna give away who will be the gal who gets Naruto's heart just yet! w00t, for Fem-Haku! You never know what you're going to get so read on (I might even do some alternative stuff, if you know what I mean).

* * *

How to be a Mr. Nice Guy

_Ore no_ _Nindo_ / My Way of the Ninja is...

Chapter 08:

Around Karakura Town

A Naruto-BLEACH fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"There all done. Now, doesn't that feel better?" Haku asked the boy with a beaming smile, as she finished tying up the bandage. "Not too tight, I hope, Taro-kun?" 

The young plain-looking boy, around five years old, along with his gathered friends stared in awe at her handiwork, flexing his bandaged right hand experimentally. She had gotten plenty of practice thanks to her little brother and father always getting into tight scrapes and coming home with all manner of injuries, and this minor operation of first aid was no different. Why just moments ago, Taro's hand had been a profusely bleeding mess that sent all the little boys and girls gathered running around, screaming at the top of their lungs in a panic. They had never seen blood before, and it did not help that he himself was wailing loudly while waving his bleeding around in the air.

The scene had been pure chaos when she had arrived, reminding her of one occasion long ago when they had stopped by a bustling orphanage in the Earth country. It was where Haku had met Tessai Tsukabishi, otherwise known as Uncle Tessai or Tessai-ojii_chan_ to be exact. He had insisted quite firmly on that particular affectionate address, which had the tall, muscular man into fits of ecstatic powerposing, while her father had sulked with a childish pout on the sideline. She never did find out what he was doing there exactly, but she presumed he had been helping renovate the building some.

It was an awfully old place, although the information of who exactly was funding the place never did turn up. In the meantime, she had learned plenty well how to deal with a younger children there, who all seemed to idolize her even more than Naruto did by the end of the day. Falling back on her experience, Haku decided to take the bull head-on by the horns, procuring a pair of disposable sanitized gloves and slapping them on as she marched straight towards the source of the problem.

Certainly, the crying injured boy had been quite astonished when she had appeared seemingly out of nowhere, humming a dainty little tune. She floored him with a radiant smile, a peculiar trick that her little brother and father had seen to personally as part of her training regime, considering they had been the first notice its "awesome" charming power. Predictably, she gained the boy's willing obedience in a flash and clasped his injured hand by the wrist, motioning for him to sit down, as she shrugged off her own backpack.

Haku fished out a roll of white bandages from her high-collared utility vest, including a small metallic tin filled with Urahara Shop's "Antiseptic Healing Balm," Product Series Number: SMED-09M, and a canteen with clean sanitized water. She had found that she did not quite have the same spectacular flare for naming her inventions as Naruto and Kisuke-otousama, but her frankness was a welcome change apparently, judging by their vast improvements in sales. Unlike her little brother, they had discovered she had a green thumb and a natural talent towards medicine and pharmaceuticals, which had brought tears of joy to her father, apparently so.

They had wasted no time getting her into the books, and around six months ago, they were finally able to roll out this product. The SMED-09M was her "child" so to speak, and although the manufacturing process was rather intensive, it worked surprisingly well, and the sales were highly invigorating, covering the costs in no time at all. It was a big hit in virtually all the towns they stopped by, and it was perfect for treating minor injuries, helping the wound heal much better and reduce scarring tissue.

Her father had a surprising knowledge of medical science that startlingly exceeded what was presently known and accepted in the East. He boasted jovially that it was because he was so well traveled that he knew so much, and he had been waiting for ages to pass on the knowledge and put it to good use. Armed with this background, Haku had administered "First Aid" to the boy, while simultaneously striking up an easy conversation using her "legendary" bed-side manner. Kisuke-otousama had stated firmly that she needed to be able to deal with every kind of patient possible, and had wrangled a very reluctant "Naruto-chan" into acting out all sorts of roles with her.

Needless to say, her father had about two months of rather nasty pranks to crawl through before things were relatively back to normal. They still had rehearsals once a month, which usually resulted in at least two mini-"pranks" between the two "grown men." Sometimes she had to wonder if there was really a ten year old trapped inside the adult body of her father, while Naruto might just have the constitution of a grandfather hidden somewhere as well.

Anyhow, she learned the ordinary looking boy's name was Udon Taro, and he lived on the corner of Hakone Street in a big housing complex. His father was apprenticed to a big shot merchant in town who dealt in textiles and freight, and was set to become a lower executive partner sometime very soon, while his mother was a nurse working at the big hospital around downtown. They got along fine, and he had been out here playing with his friends: Soba, Somen, and Ramen, along with some other boys and girls from school.

Haku had no idea why Taro's guy friends all had names related to noodles just like him, but as Naruto would say, it was best to chalk it up to irony. As the boy explained, they had been playing some soccer, which he indicated to the said soccer ball lying none too far away, when he had tripped and slashed his hand open on something sharp. It hurt a lot all right and the red stuff had sent everybody running around nuts when all he wanted was some help. At this point, Taro began to grumble underneath his breath how his pals were such "chicken little scaredy cats," running around like idiots when they should have gone to get him some help.

Still, the situation had been resolved peaceably enough.

"Wow, it feels good and as new, Onee-chan!" Taro exclaimed in wonder, flexing his bandaged hand. "Not too tight. Not too loo... Loooo... Dang it, what's the word?"

"Loose?" remarked Somen tentatively. He was a rather plump boy among the "Noodle Four."

"That's right! Loose! It's perfect, and it even smells nice, just like mint."

A big synchronized cry of "Ooooooooooooooo!" immediately went up as the boys and girls gathered, a good group of fifteen by Haku's reckoning, ogled her handiwork. It had taken quite a bit of work to take out the burning sting and alter SMED-09M's bizarre scent into something more --- desirable. She could still remember Naruto shooting looks of pure loathing at Father every time he got called up during those months of "R&D" to test out SMED-09M on a new scrape he had picked up. Of course, testing was no easy feat as her little brother and Kisuke-otousama had exasperatingly fast healing and metabolic rates, and they absolutely refused to have her test it on herself.

Still, they had managed to pull it off somehow, and that was why she could do this now: "_Arigatou_, Taro-kun. I've been practicing a lot, just in case something like this ever turned up."

"Really-Really, Onee-chan?" he asked her in wonder.

"_Un_-_un_. So how did the balm feel when I put it on?"

"Oh, that? Hehe, it felt like nothing, and it smells nice too. I wish my mama and pops had something like this at home. When mama fixes a booboo, she always uses something --- uh --- the hospital and it hurts a lot, really a lot! I hate it!"

"Is that so?"

"No mistake about it! That's why I really hate getting hurt too. My mama's always so rough!"

Taro's friends and the other children echoed similar sentiments, and Haku beamed, realizing all too well that she stumbled upon a perfect opportunity for some easy advertising. "In that case, would you all like to have a sample of this antiseptic healing balm to take home with you?"

"Anti-s-s-s-what?"

"Antiseptic: it means it can kill or make it harder for germs to infect you."

"What's a _germ_, Onee-chan? I never heard of that."

"Hmm, well, your mama should know since she's a nurse, but basically, they're these really tiny, tiny animals that you can't see and when they get inside you they can cause all sorts of problems. In fact, they're the real reason why you get a cold or a fever."

"Really?"

"Really-really, Taro-kun," she giggled, watching with private bemusement and pride as the boy's eyes grew wide in recognition. Haku knew the concept was still in its theory phases according to present medical science, but she had already seen it for herself in practice thanks to her father's genius, and it honestly just made perfect sense.

"That's right! I remembered my mama talking about something like that once too."

"So do you all want some? I have some candy to give away with the free promotion samples too."

At this point, the children were riled up and more than happy to take her up on her offer. She made sure to tell them that this was a highly rated product from Urahara _Shoten_ and where to find her exactly. At least it was for the next several days while she was still in town, if their parents wanted to purchase the product, file a complaint, or make other inquiries. Normally, the store's business hours were from nine to five, but exceptions could certainly be made for special orders.

With this said and the candy distributed, her temporarily recruited junior convenience agents saluted smartly and scurried off to spread the word. Haku laughed and called after them, wishing them the best of luck and not to do anything reckless. Technically, she had not sold anything at all, but she felt that with a little luck, her efforts may just result in Urahara Shop getting a little more business than usual.

Perhaps...

"Now then, I think I'd better go have a look around town to see if Eureka might inspire me with a little more luck," murmured the dark-haired girl thoughtfully, as she gathered her things.

Little did she know that she would not have to go far in the slightest for a little "inspiration."

Marching up the bluff and back onto the paved street, Haku found herself met by a sudden violent gust of wind. Shielding herself instinctively with her arms, she weathered the strong gale, as her mind raced to comprehend the situation. Yet, just as suddenly as it had begun, the gale died.

For a moment, she wondered what had caused such a wind as it did not seem a likely by product of today's calm, beautiful skies at all, and whether it was safe to lower her guard. Haku reasoned she could not very well just stand here all day long, shielding her face, and so she slowly lowered her arms down to her sides. She scanned the scene for any clues as to what had happened: the road empty, not a soul in sight, and business was as usual at the restaurant across the way. Nobody had noticed the harsh gale save for her, and now, she had to wonder if it was all just a "freak of nature."

The dark-haired girl was ready to dismiss the incident and chock it up to her "being at the wrong place at the right time" when a figure appeared in the corner of her eye. Coming up the street was a suspicious person garbed in a dusty travel-worn cloak, bleached a light brown by the sun so it appeared, concealing her facial features as she moved with a most deadly grace. At a closer look, it was a woman, shorter than her father certainly, garbed in oddly snug clothes, colored pitch black, with dark yellow greaves on her shins and matching bracers on her forearms

Her attire was down right ominous, and the twin holsters that hugged her lithe, toned thighs from the utility belt worn across her slim waist spoke of danger that resonated with the half-gloves worn over her hands. She even wore reinforced open-toed shoes, much like the ninja, to accommodate her white split-toed socks. The finishing touch of the high-collared dark yellow vest she wore, painted her clearly as some kind of _kunoichi_, and yet, she carried no identification whatsoever of what Hidden Village she might be from or who her employers were. Either way, with the way she was walking around in public, it was bound to attract trouble.

Haku had her own reasons for disliking ninja in general; some of them obvious, and others not so obvious. It was because of _shinobi_ that had her childhood, her first family, and everything had been torn apart, but if it were not for them, she would never have met Naruto and Kisuke-otousama, her second family, and a second chance at life. Still, something about this woman was clearly off from the other _shinobi_ she had encountered over the years. The way she carried herself, powerful with a predatory intent, was a huge departure from the doctrine teachings of the Hidden Villages.

Literally, she seemed to be making no effort what so ever to hide herself or even blend in with her surroundings. It was like this --- "Hornet Woman" wanted to be noticed. The colors and the clothes she wore was all a blatant sign for anyone who came close to stay away, a warning. However, Haku was certain that she was making an effort to mask her presence in some way because she would have certainly felt any killing intent in the area right away. It was hard to describe what the _kunoichi_ was doing exactly, but the best she could say was:

"You're hiding in plain sight. You're not the background. You're the foreground, standing right beneath everyone's noses."

The woman came to a sudden stop, her open-toed shoes scuffing audibly against the paved dirt, punctuated oddly by a bell-like chime. It was then that Haku realized she had spoken aloud, her eyes going wide with shock, as she clamped her hands soundly over her mouth. Of course, by then it was already too late, and she blushed terribly underneath the stern, powerful gaze of the much taller woman where a pair of dark brown eyes gleamed in the darkness of her cowl.

"What was that, _girl_?" the Hornet Woman asked her in a harsh, implacable voice that smoldered in her ears.

Haku could scarcely believe that the female vocal chords could ever produce such a sharp forbidding sound, like steel, but sure enough, here she was listening to it accomplish such a terrible feat. She really hoped her voice would never be able to do the same thing. "_A_-_Anou_...d-did I say-"

"_Speak_. I don't have time for games. You, obviously, wanted to get my attention, and I have to admit it, you're the first to have ever acknowledged my presence openly. In fact, you're also the _first _notice the mechanics of my technique."

"_Hwwweeh_? I-"

"No one. And I do mean --- no one. No one has _ever_ noticed, and they shouldn't notice."

The Hornet Woman took a step towards her, and she took a step _back_. Something was wrong here, very wrong. Haku had not felt like this since...

A half-gloved hand shot out from the folds of the woman's cloak with deadly grace, seizing her by the throat before she even had a chance to react. "You. You're _no_ ordinary child. There's only _two _people in this world who could know of this rare skill used by the Covert Ops Corps' Executive Militia."

"L-Let --- g-go..." Haku choked between grit teeth, trying to raise her trembling hands. It was an act of resistance that did not go unnoticed, and the Hornet Woman mercilessly increased the death grip around her throat, lighting her veins on fire from oxygen deprivation and slowing blood flow. She was feeling light-headed, tunnel vision setting in as her peripheral vision turned black.

"One would never dream of taking anyone else with her, much less children. They're a liability, and she understand her situation very well, despite that exasperating good cheer she puts up for a front. Also, she would never, ever _teach_ such a dangerous thing to a child, and certainly not how to recognize it."

"Y-You...re-really..."

"That leaves only one other person. _Him_. That despicable traitorous trash, the _man _who bewitched her. Tell me: WHERE. _IS_. **URAHARA KISUKE**?"

This woman. This woman knew her father! "Wh-What...ghk...do w-want with..._Tenchou_-dono?"

"I, Soi Fong --- _former _Captain of the Second Division and Lieutenant-General of the Covert Ops Corps, have come for his head."

Black.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

W00t, it's finally back, and I know y'all are gonna hate me for this super cliff hanger. In fact, this is pretty different from my original intent, but I figured it's about time to take the kiddy gloves off for a little. It's already chapter 8 for Pete's sake, and I want to see some fighting! How will Naruto and Kisuke react when they find out Haku's gone MIA? Is the truth about Kisuke finally gonna come out? What's Soi Fong got in store for him? What the heck's going through her mind right now? How is the whole dynamic of real world _chakra_ and spirit world _reiatsu_ going to work? Zanpakutou's and craziness! Do we have a hostage situation on our hands?

Thoughts! Reviews! Whatever, maybe we'll find out on the next episode of Mr. Nice Guy!

Thank you all for tuning in and leaving your thoughts for _moi_. I noticed we got some pretty enthusiastic and motivated reviewers out there, which gets me motivated too, so thanks for the pick me ups. On the other hand, I repeat there is no need to actually physically harm yourself. I wouldn't want to be made the scapegoat now by the media and angry soccer moms. Now, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	9. Chapter 9

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, BLEACH is a creation of Kubo Tite, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk. Multiple pairings inside folks, with UraharaxYoruichi (maybe a Soi FongxUraharaxYoruichi three way?) to name one, but I ain't gonna give away who will be the gal who gets Naruto's heart just yet! w00t, for Fem-Haku! You never know what you're going to get so read on (I might even do some alternative stuff, if you know what I mean).

* * *

How to be a Mr. Nice Guy

_Ore no_ _Nindo_ / My Way of the Ninja is...

Chapter 09:

It Gets Dark

A Naruto-BLEACH fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

The sun was setting in the distant horizon, heralding the end of the another day's of hard work, and it was under this brilliant blaze of orange, red, and yellow did the two figures came to a fateful meeting. They were an oddly familiar sight to the eyes, the younger and the older, as if they had always been regulars to Ueno Inn, situated in a relatively sedate neighborhood in the bustling town of Karakura. It was all an act of "Presence," of course; a rather useful skill Sandal Hat had passed down to his surrogate son and daughter in recent years, as an effective form of crowd control and --- client persuasion.

At present, Kisuke could not help but marvel at just how supremely "jacked up" Naruto looked. His clothes were a mess, dirt and grime clung to nearly every inch of him, and has normal bright sunny blonde hair had been reduced to an unfaltering shade of brownish-yellow. He wreaked like a foul concoction of sweat, ashes, and things probably better left unsaid, which reminded the older man oddly of a substance known as "ammonia," packing enough punch to certainly wake the dead.

It was all Kisuke could do not to cackle mockingly, like the super awesome genius convenience agent, mentor, big brother, CEO, ex-_Shinigami_, and surrogate father of two that he most assuredly was! Instead, he opted for something more --- subtle, something so painstakingly aggravating that it would send his young compatriot surely into convulsions of insult and admiration all at once. And so, Urahara Kisuke smirked, his immaculate white teeth gleaming with a brief twinkle as his black _haori_ billowed out behind him from a passing breeze all super awesome genius...

"_Geta_-_Boushi_, wipe that. That. That. Darn. S-Smirk. Off. Your. Face. Now," Naruto hissed tersely between grit teeth, smiling a smile that never did quite reach his eyes. He was quite pissed off after the totally weird blazing day he had just gone through, a day that he really hoped he would not remember in the morning. Alas, he had completely forgotten that sooner or later, he was going to spill the beans about his day over dinner or some other occasion, but at least, he could have gotten away with a much needed bath beforehand.

However, in his current state, it was pretty darn obvious that strange things had happened to Uzumaki Naruto, and it all started with one purple-haired girl...

"What was that just now, _Na_-_ru_-_to_-chan? Something about a purple-haired girl?"

Naruto paled, his jaw going slack with an audible "cha-ching." Oh by Buddha, did he just say that aloud? No way. No freakin' way!

"I'm still _waiiiiiiii_-ting, Naruto-_chan_! I wonder what-"

"Nononononononononononono! It's not what you think-"

"But it IS what I think it IS, isn't it, Naruto-chan?"

"Darn it, darn it, darn it! That stupid Arisawa Tatsuki-_baka_, flat-chested, _karate_, ugly, tomboy girl has got nothing-!"

"Tatsuki-flat-chested-karate-tomboy-ugly-_baka_-Arisawa-chan-who?"

Oh my Buddha, I did NOT just say that either! It's bad enough that she laid me out flat on my butt because I got a little careless... NO WAY! That was a FLUKE! Besides, she started it!

Kisuke sat down on his haunches, flourishing his fan in a most conspiratorially manner, as that gleaming smirk just got brighter and bright, "Oh, come on, Naruto-_chan_, I promise this'll just be between the two of us!"

"Yeah --- right, and I'm a blondie," the hyperactive soon-to-be-number-one-convenience-agent-in-the-world genius growled in a not particular pleasant manner.

"But, Naruto --- you are a blondie. Blonde hair? Blue eyes? Hello?"

Holy Buddha, my "Mr. Nice Guy Senses!" must've been punched straight to "Eureka!" when that stupid Tatsuki-_inu_ laid me out in front of that dojo of hers. I'm becoming an _idiot_! "Shut up! I didn't just say that!"

"But you did."

"No, I didn't!"

"Did too."

"Did not!"

"Did toooooooooooo!"

"Did not times infinity! HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhh! Whose got who now, _Geta_-_Boushi_?"

"Did you get beat up by a girl, _Naruto_-kun?"

Naruto blanched. "Wha-"

"Well, according to my inner '_Eureka_!' and based upon how jacked up you look, this sort of things usually starts with --- a _girl_," stated Kisuke clinically with a "shiny" grin, "_Kukukuku_..."

Oh Buddha, if Haku-neechan found out I got beat up by a girl, she would totally freak. After all, how could she rely on me to protect her if some crazy man-hating --- err --- person --- girl-thing came after her and kidnapped her from underneath our noses? "Argh, I --- I-!"

"So did you make any profit at all out of this whole mess? Experience tells me that things usually snowball downhill from there, one thing leads to another, and-"

"Seventy-Five _Ryo_!"

"Seventy-Five? Wow, not bad --- and who started this?"

"Uhhh, well..." Okay, I wasn't expecting that! I thought _Geta_-_Boushi_ was going to get up all in my face and fool around like a loon. "..._SHE DID_! I swear to Buddha, it was all her fault! I was just passing by that karate _dojo_ when this orange-haired kid came flying out the front door and nailed me. Strawberry Kurosaki-something... It totally was NOT my fault, believe it!"

"Oh, really now? And what did you say to Tatsuki-chan?"

"Ta-Ta-Tat-Tatsuki-CHAN? Are you crazy, _Geta_-_Boushi_? She doesn't deserve a '-_chan_'anything, more like Tatsuki-_kun_! She hits like a GUY does! And I told her flat-out to her face too. No way in a million years would she ever be as beautiful as Haku-neechan!"

"And why did you do this, Naruto-kun?"

"Well, because she knocked that Strawberry-head kid out cold. I thought she was a bully or something, though I found out later from Strawberry's mom that Tatsuki-_inu_ gets a little bit carried away every now and then when she spars with Straw-I mean-Ichigo."

"So you decided to be Mister Nice Guy at the wrong place, at the wrong time?"

"Yeah."

"And it all went downhill from there, right?"

"Yeah, Yakuza and stuff --- bad."

"But you did take care of the Yakuza, right?"

"Yup, all gone thanks to me!" Naruto thumped his chest proudly with a fist. "Well, at least for the meantime anyway. Can't say what the situation will be like in ten years or so, but with any luck, they won't be coming back for a while, _ne_, _Tenchou_-san?"

Kisuke nodded his assent and stood up. Ah, he did even more of a thorough job than I thought, but I wonder...

"You didn't kill anybody, did you?"

"Blah! Of course not! How can you be a _real _Mister Nice Guy, if you kill people? Besides, those guys weren't completely bad to the guts, _Geta_-_Boushi_, and they hadn't killed anybody yet either. Truth was, they had only gotten started when I showed up to clean things up and set the record straight. Those crazy guys even wanted to make me the new Boss!"

Kisuke laughed heartily, before he promptly doused his surrogate son with a heavy dose of sanitizing spray. Taken by surprise, Naruto squealed in a rather undignified manner, shielding himself through the burst while the older man cackled maniacally at his triumph. It was not a prank in the best sense of the words, but it was still sweet revenge after getting laid out cold by Taser-chan again for the umpteenth. Of course, like all things, it was short-lived as he ran out of ammunition and was forced into a merry high-speed retreat back into the inn, with a furious screaming indignant junior manager hot on his heels.

He had to admit, though, the boy had a point. How can you be a _real_ "Mr. Nice Guy," if you kill people? Kisuke doubted that Naruto fully comprehended the exact nature of morality and justice yet, but his idealism was something to behold truly. To think he had broken up some local _yakuza_ all by himself, and made a hefty profit in the process, was an uncommon achievement for a child his age, something worth to be proud of. However, how long would it last?

Idealism: the word seemed to be perfect for the twist down the philosophical road Naruto had just maneuvered him down unintentionally. Urahara knew he had it once, a long, long, long, _long_ time ago. It was so long ago, he could barely remember it, but he could not deny it was there, that he had it once. Ideals were precious things, and yet, as much as he hated to admit it, the ex-_Shinigami_ had been keeping an incomprehensibly meticulous, silent track of time.

Five years...

Just a good five years was all the time he had left before he had to step up to his end of the bargain. Urahara Kisuke was not a man to give his word lightly, and considering he had promised the _Kage_ of a rather prominent ninja village that he would return in twelve years time, he sure as heck had to go back. If he did not comply, the blonde-haired dandy did not really fancy the idea of his life becoming anymore --- _unpleasant _--- by being added to another "Bingo Book." He already had trouble from any number of psychopomps from the spiritual world hunting for his head most likely, along with any other not very nice people he had crossed paths with over the years, including some ninjas.

"HA-HAAAAAaaaaaaaa! You're no match for the graceless corporate speed of this company's CEO, my young protégé!" Kisuke shouted back as he mounted the stairs, bounding upwards two steps at a time. "If you can't even beat me to the room, guess who Haku-chan'll be taking a bath with tonight, NA-RU-TO?"

The yellowy blur closing in behind him decided to move just a little faster, getting down literally on all fours. "In your dreams, Pervert-_jiji_! You know, you want a wife!"

A wife-!

The very thought of it was enough to cause a break in his concentration, sending Kisuke upending face first into the wooden floor with a comical yelp. The hollow thud reverberating through his jaw into his ears, he looked up just in time to see Naruto sailing by overhead, wearing a dastardly grin on face that brought out the whisker-like birthmarks in his cheeks. It reminded him just like one of those big mischievous grins Yoru-

Kisuke shook his head vehemently, dismissing the memories that threatened to surface. For almost eight years now, he had managed to keep them under lock and key, the pictures of his former life, in a solid black box for no one's eyes but his alone. Occasionally, there were reminders here and there, like the chance encounter with the Mad Dog just two years ago; however, it was just a fluke, right? It was not like his past was finally gaining ground on him, and that today would be the day of reckoning at long last.

After all, he still had a while to run yet, was not that right?

"WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHTTTTT!"

There was barely enough to clap his hands over his ears for the ensuing shockwave of Naruto's "Legendary Super Genius Hyperactive Unpredictable Scream of...Anguish" that could be heard rifling through the inn and off into the orangey heavens --- wait a second, that did not sound right. Naruto screaming in anguish? What was he screaming for; it was like Kisuke could recall setting up any pranks in their room and his daughter was not the type for "mischief managed" in general, so...

"KIIIIIIISSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-_ANNNNNIIIIKKKKKIIIIIII_!"

What in the world? Now, he sounds like he's crying, thought the ex-_Shinigami_ ponderously, as he picked himself off the floor. There was an awful lot of sobbing, sniffling, whimpering, and snorting emanating from the open doorway. Definitely, this was a sure case of "un-Naruto-like" behavior, an ill omen indeed.

Still, it was not like something really, really, really bad had happened, right?

"_Oi_, Naruto, what's all the waterwor-!"

His words died in his throat, like embers fizzling out in the wind. Black butterflies, _jigoku kouchou_ --- _Hell Butterflies_; they were everywhere, infesting the room like a black plague. Naruto sat hunched over by the Western-style beds, clutching something in his hands as he shook and trembled in anguish, oblivious to the creatures all around him. Maybe it was a small blessing that his surrogate son's spirit senses were too weak to actually see the bloody black things, but to Kisuke it was a sure sign, a blatant calling card, if not the finger to his face that some _shinigami_ had been here.

And they meant _business_.

"The-They... Some-someone! Some-sonuva...to-took h-her, _Aniki_!" cried the blonde-haired boy, his broken voice tempered with a rage that was just beginning to bubble. "Someone took --- Haku-neechan!"

Nevermind Naruto seemed to be grasping the concept of explicit expletives from somewhere, as there were much more important things to deal with. Simply put, the "EMO-moron" who took his surrogate daughter was going to pay big time, and he was going to enjoy this --- a lot. Nobody screwed with his family, period.

"Give me the note, Naruto," Kisuke asked simply, no emotion what so ever. He was saving up his anger for later, but for now, he wanted to see who had the bright idea to pull something off like this against _him _of all the bonafide crazy, scary sonuva-BLEEP!s from Soul Society.

The notes contents were...

* * *

Kisuke,

If you are reading this, then you should already know what this means. There's a forest to the west of this town, _Raimori_, exactly sixteen kilometers. Be there by sunset, or I cannot guarantee the girl's safety.

_Suzumebachi_.

P.S. I hope you will enjoy the other present I left behind, now that this note has found its way into your hands in...

Three...

* * *

The Hornet...

Oh --- Hell NO!

"Naruto!" Kisuke shouted, grabbing the blonde-haired boy suddenly by the scruff of his neck, earning a surprised yelp from Naruto as he...

EXPLOSION.

* * *

He was slow, much too slow. Had eight years been enough to dull his skills this much? Was it possible that eight years had weakened him so much that even her child's play plot had been enough to dispose of the _infamous _Urahara Kisuke, former Captain of Twelfth Division, and the grandest traitor to all of Soul Society.

NO. There's no way that wily bastard'd die so easily, thought Soi Fong, her russet eyes flashing rage as she hurled a knuckle clenched fist into the trunk of the nearby tree. A resonating thud punctuated the blow, and the ancient torched maple splintered into pieces with a pitiful whimper, collapsing loudly into a heap, like a fallen house of cards. There's no way. There's no way Yoru-Yoru-Yoruichi-sama would --- _choose _someone so --- **weak **--- over me!

The pitch black sky rumbled and flashed with white, ominous and wanting, as the wind moaned, carrying their chattering voices. Men, women, and children, the tense misty air was heavy from their tainted presence, the shadows stirring and shifting with things nightmare and eyes bubbling to the surface. She had only set the bait four minutes and thirty eight seconds ago, and astonishingly, so many of them of had already gathered together, congregating in packs amidst these dead woods, scorched black by countless fires.

Yes, there was no doubt she had waited a long time for this fateful moment ever since that mad dog, Kenpachi, brought in news of _him _two years ago. Convincing the Commander-General to allow her to resign from her post and make haste for the human world in an unrestricted _gigai_ had been no easy feet. Soi Fong hated to admit it, but if it were not for the favor of that man, Sousuke Aizen the Captain of the Fifth Division, she would not be standing here right now in front of her hated enemy.

Hated second only to the one who had abandoned her, the _shinigami_ had planned and trained for any inevitability, ones where she would open the eyes of that most important person to her --- and this **one**. Her life had been ruined because of _him_. It was _him _who seduced Yoruichi-sama away from her, the devil that sowed deceitful, perverse visions of grandeur into the heart and soul of Yoruichi-sama. _Him_. _Him_. _Him_! It was all because of Urahara Kisuke that nightmares robbed her of sleep, and an angry acid black flowed through her veins, as her heart bled from the twin scars, day and night.

Everything had been ruined became of Urahara Kisuke, and it would be today that she would have her sweet revenge. Eight years Soi Fong had waited for this moment, eight years since she succeeded Yoruichi-sama, eight years since Yoruichi-sama --- _left_, but everything would be all right after tonight. After all, once she presented Urahara Kisuke's head to Yoruichi-sama, surely her most important person would awaken from her delusions, and end this nightmare once and for all.

Yoruichi-sama did not --- _leave_ --- her because of her own will. She would have taken her trusted lieutenant anywhere, and her Soi Fong would have followed diligently as always, no questions asked. The Fong house has served the noble house of Shihouin in such a manner for centuries, and the Elders could not have possibly been mistaken by ordaining that she would follow Yoruichi-sama.

Yoruichi-sama was-!

Yoruichi-sama...

"Why...why didn't you take me with you?" whispered the cloaked woman, as the night rumbled with the drums of thunder.

For a moment, there were no other words to be said. The gravity of here and now, was settling upon her shoulders, like an invisible weight, as the shadows voiced her doubts. Had she done the right thing? Was kidnapping a child and holding them hostage, like bait, the makings of something righteous? Would Yoruichi-sama approve? Would Yoruichi-sama disapprove?

Soi Fong smirked darkly. Is now any time for me to be doubting myself? I've come this far, haven't I? What's one child to me, anyway? As long as it can get me one-step closer to Yoruichi-sama, what does it matter?

It should not matter at all, right?

"_Oi_, _GETA_-_BOUSHI_, HOLD UP FOR A SECOND HERE!" a sudden boisterous voice broke out from the darkness, jarring her senses awake. The rushing rapport of footsteps... "Sandal Hat"? Who was that? It couldn't be-? "HEY, I SAID, '_WAIT A MINUTE HERE_,' _JIJI_! Have you gone deaf or something?"

The advancing set of heavier steps came to a halt, breathing lightly, but still in good shape, as it was joined by its companion, punctuated by harsh ragged breaths. "_Au contraire_, Naruto-chan, you actually said, '_HOLD UP FOR A SECOND HERE_.'"

"Gah, stupid-stupid-stupid! Aghk...!"

"Still, I'm impressed you managed to keep up with me more or less, so then shall we-"

"_KISUKE_-_BAKA_!" Naruto cut in with angry rasp. "You don't --- call guys --- '-_chan_'! And. You're --- not listening ---- to a single --- thing I'm saying!"

The _man_ giggled jovially, not even the slightest bit concerned, "Why, whatever could you mean, Na-ru-to-chan?"

"You're not --- being yourself right --- now, you freakin' MORON!"

Soi Fong blinked at the shear absurdity of the boy's statement. What? Urahara Kisuke was not being himself right now? However, as ridiculous as the notion was, she could not simply just ignore it. Any tactical advantage she could get right now was the worth the risk, especially when she was but moments away from entering battle. And so, the _shinigami_ crept closer, timing her stealthy steps with the booming roar of thunder overhead, as the unpleasant silence settled between the boy and Urahara.

"_Maa_, _maa_, Naruto, I think that explosion knocked a few screws loose out of-" the older man attempted jovially, before he was promptly cut off with a fiery retort.

"SAME. TO. YOU, _JIJI_! And when were you able to move that _fast_, anyway? I'm not ungrateful, being alive sure beats being toasty and crispy like fried _tempura_, but I don't think even stupid crazy _shinobi_ can move that fast!"

"Naru-"

"And what's with you charging head first into this, like an angry kid? That's my job! Aren't adults supposed to sit bit, think about the situation, and be smart and stuff about things like this? By Buddha, you know this is a trap, oldest trick in the book. You saw all those knocked out lightning towers on the way too, didn't you, _Geta_-_Boushi_; if our freakin' bobby trapped room wasn't enough!"

"Naruto..."

"That person blew the whole place up! What if there were people still in there, when those bombs or whatever went off? Huh? HUH? This is-this is pure cold --- _ninja_ --- stuff-I... I HA-HATE _SHINOBI_! Don't the-they ever think about-"

"Naruto, you're..."

"So wh-what if I'm a-a big crybaby? And who's-who's this '_Hornet_' person? Do they get some-some kind sick joy out of-of blowing people up, huh? HUH? Can't they --- can't they understand the pain they'll cause to the people left behind?"

Abruptly, Soi Fong stumbled in her step, breaking a twig underfoot with a sharp crack. Lightning flashed, the scene white, and when the rumbling darkness returned, there was only her and two sets of eyes, blue and silver. It was impossible to believe that such an absurdity had happened, but sure enough, here she was living the grim reality of it all. There stood Urahara Kisuke dressed in greens and all, with his sealed _zanpakutou_ in hand and a backpack on his back, wearing the most queer expression on his face, somewhere between a frown and a smile, and then there was the boy, Naruto.

Damn, I got careless... she thought bitterly with a sneer. All because of one _child_.

"Well, it's been a long time coming, hasn't it, Urahara-_taichou_?"

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

After a month, I'm back with the goods and another episode. Chapter 9: GO! Naruto's certainly had an interesting day, but wait, it gets better? What's this with Kisuke not acting like himself? How the heck did he manage to escape that explosion with Naruto in tow? Has Soi Fong gone nuts? Didn't she just totally the possibility of collateral damage? Does she really think bringing Kisuke's head to Yoruichi will make everything right again? And man, does Naruto hate ninjas or what? This doesn't spell good tidings for the future to come...

Thoughts! Reviews! Whatever, maybe we'll find out on the next episode of Mr. Nice Guy!

Thank you all for tuning in and leaving your thoughts for _moi_. I noticed we got some pretty enthusiastic and motivated reviewers out there, which gets me motivated too, so thanks for the pick me ups. On the other hand, I repeat there is no need to actually physically harm yourself. I wouldn't want to be made the scapegoat now by the media and angry soccer moms. Now, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

_Tsudzuku_!


	10. Chapter 10

* * *

Disclaimer: 

Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to Cowboy Bebop (the Swordfish II) that is a creation of Sunrise and Shinichiro Watanabe, BLEACH is a creation of Kubo Tite, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk. Multiple pairings inside folks, with UraharaxYoruichi (maybe a Soi FongxUraharaxYoruichi three way?) to name one, but I ain't gonna give away who will be the gal who gets Naruto's heart just yet! w00t, for Fem-Haku! You never know what you're going to get so read on (I might even do some alternative stuff, if you know what I mean).

* * *

How to be a Mr. Nice Guy

_Ore no_ _Nindo_ / My Way of the Ninja is...

Chapter 10:

It Gets Dark

A Naruto-BLEACH fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards

* * *

"_Ura_-_hara_-_taichou_?" Naruto breathed, his bright blue eyes wide in astonishment. What the heck did that crazy woman mean by-?

Lightning fell across the sky, splitting the black heavens wide open in a brilliant flash, as the explosive noise shattered the tension. There was electrifying buzz in the eerily cool air, sending the hairs on the back of his neck standing up on end like antennas, and it seemed to be emanating from the two adults. Kisuke had taught him a thing or two certainly about sensing "intent," and whatever the heck it was in the air was giving him goose bumps all over. He could not tell what it was exactly, but it was obvious enough that it could only mean trouble.

"_Tsk_-_tsk_! Soi Fong-_chan_! I could've sworn Yoruichi-san-" Kisuke giggled brightly, wagging an admonishing finger at the cloaked woman before she cut him off with a cutting shriek.

"SHUT UP! Don't you dare use Yoruichi-sama's name in such a crass manner in my presence, _traitor_."

"Me? A traitor? Is that what old Yama-_jii_san's been telling everybody? Sheesh, some Commander-General he is..."

"How _dare _you profane the honor of _Soutaichou_ Yamamoto-Genryuusai Shigekuni-sama, scoundrel? You were proven guilty as charged with irrevocable proof by the Central Forty-Six Chambers, and yet, you still show defiance in the face of justice?"

"_Che_, I'm really starting to doubt what Yoruichi-san saw in a naive, uptight goody-two-shoes girl like you, Soi Fong-_chan_. You're just as spun up tight as that one astronomical asstard '_Byaku_-_che_-_che_-_che_-_Kuchikiya_!' who kept challenging her all the time to play tag --- did he finally make '_Captain_' by the way?"

Soi Fong seethed openly under fire from his patronizing tone with a snarl, as the art of taunting (regrettably) was not something taught as part of the regular curriculum of the Covert Ops Corps, "_B-Bastard_..."

"Speechless, Soi Fong-_chan_?" Kisuke flashed his best "s---!-eating" grins with all the dastardly power his pearly whites could muster. "Hehe, I have to admit, being down here, up here, how ever you want to phrase it has done wonders for my vocabulary. I've become even more sharp tongued and foul mouthed than I can remember of my heydays at home."

What the heck was going on around here? This was not the bloody freaking time to be talking trash and shooting the breeze! Naruto could not believe any of the words or the emotions being tossed around carelessly like spare change. These two idiots, Soi Fong and _Geta Boushi_, were in on something huge, and he wanted to know the truth; Haku-_nee_chan --- Haku-_nee_chan's life was on the line here!

"HEY! _Aniki_, what's going on? What's this Commander-General, Captain, Yoruichi-san, and betrayal-whatever nonsense about?" he shouted at Kisuke in an effort to snap the man out of this nonsense. Though Naruto did not understand it himself, he could somehow subconsciously feel the older man drifting further away from him, and he did not like it one bit at all. "Answer me, darn it!"

Kisuke whistled appreciatively in response, never turning to openly acknowledge him as his hidden gaze was locked solely on the cloaked form of Soi Fong. "Ah, Naruto-kun, still here? That's interesting enough."

"Huh?"

"I'll be finished up here soon enough. Why don't you run along ahead and grab Haku-chan, hmm?"

"HEY, don't just change the subject when I'm talking to you! And just what're you planning to do?"

"Isn't it obvious, _Otouto_? I'm going to rip that woman to pieces and send her back to where she came from in a doggy bag."

Naruto blanched, dumbstruck as he watched the man he had admired so much and raised from scratch take of his stripped hat, the symbol of Urahara Shop, and toss it aside. The sacred "Manager's hat" doubled over through the frosty air before it came crashing down to the ground, crumpling into a lame heap at the boy's feet. All the while, he could only stare helplessly at Kisuke's retreating back, the older man advancing upon the woman with a deadly purposeful gait, as the wind picked up with a roaring howl, sending his clothes and hair billowing in the violent current.

"Yoruichi-san'll be sad to see you go," Kisuke professed with the thinnest hint of remorse. Truth was, he was actually quite fired up right now for a good smackdown, as Benihime had been nagging him to get her some proper "exercise" after being sealed for years on end. "Probably she'll be beyond pissed with me once she hears about what happened. From what I could recall, you were a pretty good kid from the times you were with her, but if she couldn't teach you some common decency in the time you had together, then I guess you'll just have to learn it now --- the **hard **way."

Soi Fong was more than happy to oblige his killing intent as well, jettisoning her fluttering cloak effortlessly with a one-handed toss, revealing herself in all her glory. The razor edge of the _kodachi_ flashed briefly before her in a visible line, as she brandished her sealed _zanpakutou_ at the scoundrel. If he thought that inner fire in his silvery eyes, making them gleam in the howling black knight, was enough to frighten her, he had plenty of things coming to him.

"Wow, nice outfit. Totally dig the black base bodysuit thing with accompanying accessories, or are they really tight pants? Hehehe. Oh, I see now, you picked up Yoruichi-san's fetish for things black and tight. Don't worry, I won't kill you fast. _People _like you in my book --- deserve to live a long time. In fact, I might just decide to be a nice guy and keep just your arms and legs, and send you back a **cripple**, Soi Fong-_chan_. Unohana-_taichou_chan won't even know what to do with you when she sees you."

"Hmph, talk is cheap, Urahara-_yarou_dono! I'm not afraid of you; the one you should be afraid of is --- ME."

"Oh, really? Hehe, you _will_ be when I'm done with you. And you'll learn right now that you don't screw with a man's family, you just don't. Feel free to screw with him, but NOT his family. I taught that to Yoruichi-san, and since she failed to obviously teach that you --- well, blame her."

Of course, Naruto just had to barge in again. "STOP IT! YOU CAN'T DO THIS, _ANIKI_!"

Why the heck was the kid still here? Did he really want to see him rip a woman to pieces? He had have to give that boy a good talking to when this was all over.

"Wha-again, Naruto-kun? Didn't I tell you to run along and get Haku-chan? This is something you really don't wanna see-"

"Are you EVEN listening to yourself, MAN?"

"What? I'm only doin' what's natural, an eye for an eye-"

"HECK NO! If you're going to be that way, you go on ahead and get Haku-neechan, and I'll stay here and fight Soi Fong!"

The former _shinigami_ paused in mid-step at the shear absurdity of _that _particular statement, though his gleaming silvery eyes never left the offending protege of his closest --- _friend_. He knew Naruto could be an idiot, but he was not a complete idiot, right? Oh wait, it's not like the poor kid knows exactly what's going on here. Sure, Naruto-kun's the Kyuubi's container, but to fight a _shinigami_ who reached captain status, even in a restricted _gigai_, would be suicide.

"Eh, is the ozone messing with your head or something, Naruto-kun? I hear lightning strikes tend to do-"

"I DON'T WANT MY FATHER TO BECOME A MURDERER, YOU FREAKIN' LAYMAN MORON!"

Soi Fong choked.

Maybe if it were not for the fact she was reeling from her head to her toes, she might have been able to appreciate Urahara's priceless expression, one she hoped to reproduce to much greater effect soon enough. He looked like he had just seen his own death, eyes wide and his jaw agape, a blade twisting in his eviscerated guts. Alas, none of the humor even came close to reaching her. All she could think of right now was the horror gripping her sickly heart, cruel scars ripping open, the devastating agony incomprehensible, as she stared at that traitorous cur, Urahara Kisuke.

Kisuke.

Yoruichi-sama.

Father?

Mother?

The boy, Naruto, with blonde hair...

The girl, with black hair, a touch of dark blue in the light...

Children.

CHILDREN?

* * *

"_**KIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUU**-**KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE**_!"

The ringing sting of steel against his neck exploded Kisuke out his reverie just in the nick of time, his body having reacted subconsciously to block the almost certain killing blow using Benihime. Shifting his weight on the balls of his feet, he threw himself aside as the whistling _kodachi_ flashed, cutting through the air with Soi Fong's follow through. How the hell had she moved so fast? Was it _shyunpo_? Of course, it's _shyunpo_ she was taught by-!

Thunder roared in the black heavens, his world exploding with white from the flash of lightning that left him with two black silhouettes in view. The smaller one seemed to be Naruto, screaming something unintelligible, and the other taller shadow was the confounded woman, her dark brown eyes burning with a frightening hazel clarity. He would never quite forget that look she wore that night.

Yes, Soi Fong was not as little as he remembered her anymore, the timid recruit never straying far from a certain black cat's side and could hardly think of meeting his gaze. The primal awe-inspiring killing intent that she radiated here and now dwarfed his own presence to a miniscule speck, as it was the one that permanently cemented her in the forefront of his long memories. Oh, how the little girl from the Fong house had grown, and she had earned her place right alongside the flamboyant likes of Yoruichi.

Truly, women were wonderful frightening creatures.

"NARUTO! GRAB THE HAT AND-" Kisuke shouted at the boy, ignore the bleeding shallow wound on his neck, before he was cut off by a second attack. The explosive clash of the _kodachi_ against his cane sent him skidding backwards through the dirt, his body trembling under the immense force as he struggled to remain on his feet. Damn, what stupid strength! How can she be so strong? Even with the best _faux_ body the _Gotei_ _13_ can provide, she shouldn't be fighting at anywhere close to effi-!

The earth before him exploded, flashing with another whistling swipe of the --- no --- _her zanpakutou_! --- that he was forced to block with Benihime. Sparks flew and caught flat-footed on his heels, the ringing of steel pierced his ears as he was flung back by the former _shinigami_ captain's Herculean strength. Again, paranoia and denial shot through his blazing thoughts at a mile per second, before Kisuke found himself smashing through the trunk of a tree, sending splinters and debris scattering in his wake. And it didn't end there --- because he was still sailing through the air.

"_Tou_-chan!" Naruto cried back, his young voice cracking under strain as the boy tried to scream louder to reach him, "_O-OTOU-SAN_!"

"YOU'RE THE MANAGER NOW, NARUTO!" That i-idiot! --- son of mine --- crying like a layman that lost his head! Now, isn't the time for stupid sentimental things like that...I'm-! I'M GONNA LIVE THROUGH THIS!

"BUT-"

His vision flashed white with lightning, those clear hazel brown eyes appearing right in front of him for an instant...

"GO! I TRUST **YOU**, SO TRUST **ME**, ALRIGHT?"

...before she disappeared in the howling wind. He knew what was coming, too slow to react with the safety devices in his _gigai_ body still locked down, and it did not make it hurt any less. The somersault from below sent him shooting up skyward, pain exploding from his back, as air rushed passed his ears at incredible speeds.

Ugh! Dammit, if this keeps up... _Che_, it figures it'd have to be somebody trained by Yoruichi-san that finally got me fired up enough to get serious --- Huh, what's that Benihime? You said some-!

The crushing brutal axe kick to his gut was unexpected, eliciting a gurgling wretch of pain out of him. Back down the former _shinigami_ went, a falling star returning to the embrace of the Earth. The immense impact cratered the earthen ground with splintering cracks, sending dirt and debris exploding into the air. It was difficult to see and next to impossible to breathe, but it was exactly the sort of reprieve he needed to collect his scrambled thoughts and mount a counter attack.

I don't know how Soi Fong got so strong. She only made captain what --- six years ago at best? But never mind that, what kind of _gigai_ did they give her? _Shyunpo_ is a _reiatsu_ technique in which case its effectiveness would be severely reduced by the ten-percent spirit force restriction on a normal _faux_ body. Even if this restriction was removed, my experience shows that _reiatsu_ effectiveness in general drops in the Human world, particularly against material bodies.

By shear willpower, Kisuke pulled himself out of his impromptu grave, chunks of dirt still cling onto him. Every bone in his _gigai_ twisted and popped, protesting angrily along side his aching artificial muscles. It was a perfect simulation of a normal human body, perhaps a little too perfect, as the pain receptors were seriously starting to get in his way. Of course, he had put them in there so he would not irreparably damage his _faux_ body in the first place, a minor combat oversight per say against less than human opponents.

"Op-Operator: Code Pain-killer...ugh."

Just like that, the pain receptors shut off, and he was treated to a double dose of endorphins. He knew what the repercussions were from such a rash action, yet he could not help but giggle like a school boy, who had finally bested his teacher. The real fun, after all, was about to start, and the silver-eyed would see for himself what the new blood from his former beloved "12th Division" had accomplished in his absence.

"Physical Canceller _ZENKAI_! _EXOTIC MANUUBAA_!"

The release of his excess _reiatsu_, stored up now for six odd years, was a relief that he could scarcely describe, as his entire body was literally blazing a brilliant bluish-white. A tremendous towering geyser of spirit energy blasted off into the sky with a quaking roar that shook the earth. Such was its power, that even the stored up _reishi_ in the area from the dead trees and the dirt began quantize into active spirit energy particles.

"_WOOO_-_HOOO_! It's hot! It's HOT. But by _EUREKA_! --- do I feel ALIVE. Come on, sweetheart, one more beautiful song! Let's sing one more beautiful song together! Please, _DARRRRR_-_LING_, listen to me."

He raised his shining cane high into the air as Benihime's own _reiatsu_ began to resonate with his own, humming beautifully in the brilliant nexus of twisting wind and howling spirit energy...

"_OKIRO_, **BENIHIME**!"

The dead woods of _Raimori_ flashed white as the awesome explosion from Benihime's _shikai_ releasing shook the area, converting all of the free floating _reiatsu_ in an instant. Anything near ground zero was obliterated instantly, flattened to a level stage for the coming battle. The black skies parted from the shear power of the explosion, revealing the pale white moon that bathed the battleground in the stark white contrast of moonlight.

"You're finally taking me seriously, are you?" a mirthless voice echoed across the "field" he had created.

Kisuke chuckled at the unsmiling face of Soi Fong, unconsciously marveling at the glowing gleaming edge of his _zanpakutou_ for the first time in six years. It had been way too long since he had last seen Benihime, and tonight would be a great fight indeed. "_Aa_, sorry about that earlier. I think I kind of lost my mind, but thanks to Naruto-kun, I'm all better now."

"Then I don't need to hold back either. _Jinteki Shakusetsu_ --- **SUZUMEBACHI**!"

The _kodachi_ in her right hand disappeared, revealing her soul cutter's true form, but along with it also came a monstrously disproportionate explosion of white _reiatsu_ that dwarfed his own. He weathered the violent whipping force of the churning air as best as he could, while simultaneously debating just how wrong this picture appeared in front of his face. Had those bumbling idiots back home finally surpassed him somehow? There was no way Soi Fong's _reiatsu_ should surpass his, and yet, it was doing exactly just that...

Now, it was Kisuke's turn to frown as his thunder had effectively been stolen. That's no _gigai_ I ever made. No, siree... Guess that means I won't be able to bring her to her senses with just brute force. I'm actually gonna have to do some work today. Fun stuff, isn't that right, Benihime?

"YOUR HEAD IS MINE, KISUKE-_YAROU_!"

"That's the spirit! Don't ask for it. Come and take it! AND YOU'LL BE REWARDED, SOI FONG!"

In an instant, the two glowing figures disappeared, all quiet, and then just as suddenly, blades clashed in mid-air, faster than the eye could see. Airborne shockwaves erupted sporadically here and there across the field, loud awesome explosions of noise, moving quickly without pause, leaving only sound and glittering sparks behind. Thunder rumbled along the edges of the eye of the storm, as the frequency of shockwaves increased, growing louder, cutting quicker with each clash, until a resounding crash in mid-air ripped the atmosphere apart with a white explosion.

Kisuke broke off first, landing several yards away, accompanied by the simultaneous scrapes of both his and Soi Fong's foot falls. He was puffing up a light sweat, his veins pulsating with a fiery adrenaline he had not felt in a long, while the woman maintained a calm, cool facade. Whether she was bluffing or not did not matter to him because the game was just getting started.

"Not bad. Not bad at all!" he congratulated her, "I haven't had this much fun since Yoruichi-san and I were kids! But I won't die so easily. Oh no, I won't! Now, darling, a beautiful song: sing for me!"

One _shyunpa_ later, the straw blonde-haired man was airborne again, hovering virtually over the former captain of the Second Division. Benihime was ablaze with bluish-white spirit energy in the same fashion as the aura that surrounded his body and Soi Fong, but there was where the difference ended. The _reiatsu_ surrounding the naked blade of his _zanpakutou_ was rapidly accelerating towards the tip, coalescing into a glorious screaming blue fury few had witnessed. Of course, a small part of him in the back of his head was wondering why the heck the raven-haired woman was just watching him.

Oh well, whatever...

"_NAKE_, **BENIHIME**!"

Blue turned into crimson, quantizing all of the excess spirit energy that composed his aura as well, in a sudden instant, as a melodious humming beam of destruction roared forth from Benihime. Kisuke swept the earth beneath him, consuming Soi Fong seemingly in the process, incinerating all before his sight into a brilliant geyser of exploding flame. The heated force of the explosion sent his clothes and hair billowing backwards as he began to fall, a smile on his face, and yet he could not shake the feeling he had just done something very stupid.

"_KATON_ --- _HOUSENKA NO JUTSU_!" cried out not one --- but **many **voices from above him.

The former _shinigami_ balked openly at the sight that greeted him. Oh, sure the orange-red rain of bolting fire shaped like little phoenixes was a nice touch, but all that paled in comparison to the grim reality of the moment. Soi Fong knew _ninjutsu_; there was a small division's worth of her replication hanging in the air higher than him, and they were spewing firebolts at like it was going out of style. Sheesh, was he starting to fall behind the times or what?

"_TATE_, **BENIHIME**!" he commanded.

The shallow wound on his neck glowed a light with crimson, exuding a protective shield of quite literally his own blood, laced with _reiatsu_ that he swept forth in front of him with the guidance of his _zanpakutou_. Kisuke made a note he would have to thank that vicious woman later for making his life a little easier, as he fended off the searing super heated fireballs exploding against his blood mist shield. Smoke and heat choked the air, each explosion accelerating his fall faster towards the ground.

He was flash-stepping away as soon as he felt the whipping impact of Mother Earth against the heels of his sandals. Sticking around to weather the ensuing barrage of fireballs on his previous position that ignited the dry earth into a bright inferno was definitely not high on his list of priorities. Damn, how much _chakra_ is that _gigai_ of hers packing? There has to be some kind of multiplier mechanism built into that _faux _body. Soi Fong's _reiatsu_ shouldn't come anywhere close to surpassing mine, and yet it is...

Surrounded!

Kisuke gaped as he suddenly realized his newest dire predicament. From the looks of things, he had gotten careless and _shyunpo_'d right into a mob of the vengeful woman's waiting replications. The idiom, "Out of the fire and into the frying!", seemed oddly fitting for his situation as warily eyed the motionless mob, swinging his gaze about to keep an eye out for an attack from any direction. Of course, they had left him a small ring of space to himself, but the real million _ryo_ question right about now was:

Where the hell was Soi Fong?

"Kill him!" her steely mezzo-soprano barked suddenly from somewhere amidst the throngs of her replications.

He bellowed back comically, dashing instinctively towards the echo of her voice, "HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAaa! Who's got who now, Soi Fong-CHAN?"

It was going to be an old fashioned brawl, what with Soi Fong's little army blitzing him from all sides, leaving no room for him to concentrate long enough to summon Benihime's power, and boy, was he ready! The first replication to reach him lunged in with a fierce battle cry, a straight haymaker to his face with Suzumebachi bared out like a fang. It was totally amateurish, poorly executed maneuver that he easily ducked underneath without breaking his charge, leaving her sliced in two by the waist with a lightning flourish of his _zanpakutou_.

"POOF!" went the replication into a explosion of white smoke. Outright pandemonium erupted at this point, as he heard the woman's snarls and shouts echoing forth from every direction, screwing up his mental compass completely. Again, Kisuke realized he had made another mistake, but it was too late now to cry over spilled milk. He kept running, covering his mouth and nose with the sleeve of his _haori_ to dampen the irritating smoke, as his next "victim" appeared.

He skewered the replication straight through the face without hesitation, brushing past the smoke when two more appeared in the frenetic chaos. They made to strike at him, but he simply leapt between them and lashed with a split kick, catching them both square in the chest with sundering blows that sent them crashing into the dirt. Three more came screaming from behind him as he landed back on his feet, hurling an assortment of _kunai_ and _shuriken_ that whistled through the air. Not knowing the difference and unwilling to take the risk, the former _shinigami_ spun on his heel and deflected the projectiles with a deft sweep of Benihime, the palpable impacts accompanied by metallic rings confirming that they were indeed quite real.

Soi Fong's trio of replications caught up with him, but there clumsy attacks were no match for him. The first one leapt at him with a flying kick, flamboyant and absolutely foolish, as Kisuke easily side stepped the strike. He caught his _zanpakutou_ with his own teeth in a flash, grabbing her by the ankle with his now free hands and wrenched her brutally out of the air before smashing her into a fellow comrade. "Two birds with one stone," and still the third "sister" approached, completely unfazed by the defeat of her fellows, only to take a crushing blow to face by the pommel of Benihime for her valiant efforts when the silver-eyed man switched back to his weapon.

The brief feel of warm flesh beneath his fingers dissipating into nothingness from the replication he had grabbed was oddly eerie. Still, it was becoming rather obvious that Soi Fong's replications were no where near as powerful as the real thing, and fighting all of this cannon fodder was getting old fast. Oh, look; now, five more of them were descending upon him from all sides. They had killed his momentum, but there was no way they could kill him just yet.

What kind of plan did that vengeful woman have here? Did she plan to wear him down with her replications? Fat chance of that happen, but more likely she was hoping to catch him off guard somehow; still, how was she going to pull it off? Surprisingly, they were virtually equal in skill thus far, so...

Coughing as he inhaled some of the irritating smoke, Kisuke parried a blow with his _zanpakutou_ and grabbed the replication by her wrist, before violently pivoting about on his heels. Spinning like a top, he clobbered the other four Soi Fong's replications into oblivion with their own sister, before smashing his impromptu weapon into the earth to end her misery. This was really starting to get a bit ridiculous in his opinion. Oh, how he wished he knew some _ninjutsu_ right about now too, so he could send his own army of replications to do battle for him.

"A-hagh! O-_Oi_! Soi Fong-chan, come out, come out, wherever you are! Bleh. You can't buy time from me forever, you know! 'Sides, we got things to talk about thanks to ol' Naruto-kun. Come on, let's be like good grown ups here and-"

Suddenly, ground beneath his very feet exploded, throwing dirt and debris in his face that cut Kisuke off in mid-sentence. Looking back in hindsight, this would be always one of the moments in his life that he had to wonder why he had to have such a big mouth, as phantom-like limbs bit into his arms and legs, like claws. He was effectively immobilized, a billion horrible thoughts racing through his bewildered mind because Urahara Kisuke had just been caught --- big time.

**STAB**!

She was like an angel. A cruel, beautiful angel of death bathed in crimson, his own blood of course, and yet, Kisuke could not help but admire the dazzling death goddess that this vengeful woman had transformed into, her rending arm of destruction piercing his guts and bursting out the back, straight through cloth, flesh, blood, organs, and all. He coughed hoarsely, splashing her perfect face with red, and eerily, her beauty only seemed to grow more perfect. For the first time, amidst all of this carnage and death, he saw Soi Fong smile, and -- it was also the first time, he saw her cry.

Joy.

She was happy to see him dying, to see him suffering at her own hands. This sick act was bliss to her. And now, the gears in his feverish hazy mind had begun to turn, as something else he had long suppressed began to awaken with his fading heart...

What the hell had he done to make such a pretty girl like her get angry at him for?

"Khkk...! We-Well...done. S-Soi Fong...chan. You --- got me..." Kisuke coughed with a weak smile, as blood dribbled out of his mouth and nostrils.

It was a grisly sight to behold, but Soi Fong was not done yet. Oh yes, she wanted to see him suffer much more yet!

_T-w-i-s-t_.

"Grghgh-gaaahhh!"

"_Fufufufu_; oh, does it hurt, _Kisuke_-_kun_?"

"Oh... Oh...y-you damn...right. It...hurts..."

She sneered at him like a jackal, her hazel eyes dancing with a mad light, "Oh no, that won't do at all. After all, we were just getting _started_, isn't that right, _Kisuke_-_kun_?"

"Eh-heh-heheh-he..." the gravely wounded man laughed, lowering his silver gaze, so as to not reveal --- the horror that was coming. He did not have much time left, so before then he would have to use --- _that_ technique. "Y-You know...w-we could've...talked...instead of this-gaghkk!"

"Ho, dying so _soon_, Urahara. KISUKE?"

"Not yet...not yet..."

"That's right. Not yet! Not until you've understood the anger, the hate, and all the sorrow of my poisoned heart! Because of YOU. You. You. You! That's why I'm like this, wretched and wanting; if it weren't for you, Yoruichi-sama would never have left. ...Would never have left _me_ behind... That's why!"

"_Tenjou no Gouka_..."

"Wha?"

"_Koushu_."

"This _reiatsu_... What are you-"

"_Kurenai Sekishu Benihime_."

"Oh? Is that it? So you're going to use your precious little _ban_-?"

"_Shin **Bankai**_."

Soi Fong blinked.

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

Author's Notes:

Oh geezus Lord! This is like the longest freakin' chapter I'm ever going to write. Your prayers and reviews have been heard, and I have come down from the mountain. GO! EPISODE 10! It's here; yes, rejoice my fellow ladies and gentlemen! Man, was that getting creepy or what? First, Kisuke was going psycho and then Soi Fong went apes--t! on him too. Naruto says the darnest things, doesn't he, just to provide people with some guidance? And dang, Soul Society's technology has sure gotten better in just six years time since Kisuke left. Could Aizen have his dirty paws all over this one? Can Naruto get to Haku in time before she becomes soul food dinner? And is it just me, or were Kisuke and Soi Fong serously too wrapped up in fighting each other to notice Soi Fong's plan B? Tsk, tsk, this is going to be a mess. Yoruichi really should know better to clean up after her own messes than letting them explode like this. Then again, what's gonna happen next?

Thoughts! Reviews! Whatever, maybe we'll find out on the next episode of Mr. Nice Guy!

Thank you all for tuning in and leaving your thoughts for _moi_. Now, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the _maestro _here.

Oh, and I recommend "Heavy Violence" or "_Shou wa Geki_" from the third Naruto OST for the fight scene, before switching to "on the precipice of defeat" from the first Bleach OST. "Heavy Violence" is the infamous fight theme song from the anime when Naruto goes Kyuubi in the high budget first part "all-out" confrontation against Sasuke, after being kicked around for like two to three episodes. They also used it on other occasions, i.e. Sarutobi versus the revived Shoudaime and Nidaime, the time when Tsunade tried to jackhammer kick Orochimaru, etc. As for "on the precipice of defeat," well they've used that song to death as its literally Bleach's signature "I ain't going down like a punk just yet" song.

Omake!

Naze Nani Naisu Gai Dattebayo?

Random Glossary!

"_Tenjou no Gouka_,_ Koushu_: _Kurenai Sekishu _Benihime" - Translated approximately as "The Flame of Heaven, Crimson Master: Crimson Red Vermillion Benihime".

_Shin Bankai_ - Translated approximately as "True Full Release".

_Tsudzuku_!


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